Stressed & unhappy (can't think of a catchy title so there it is...)

image via weheartit.com

I've addressed this before but I just feel like I need to put it out there again, so that hopefully I can look back on it in future and see some progress.

This week has been pretty tough for me and I've been dealing with some emotional issues, and I'm not quite sure of the best way to overcome them. One of the main things I've been dealing with is an insane bout of jealousy. This in turn made me feel stupid, small, petty, childish and downright horrible. I sought advice from soneone online who I follow (I'd never broach this with one of my real life friends), and the advice they gave me was pretty much exactly what I knew in my head but I just don't know how to translate it into that gut feeling. Thankfully I'm not feeling jealous anymore, but just really sad and mean and unhappy.

Something I think it's all stemmed from is I still don't feel this huge improvement that everyone who loses weight seems to rave about - "I feel so much better!", "I look so much better!", "I have so much more confidence!", "I am so much happier with myself now!" - I don't feel any of this and I so wish that I did.

I still feel fat. Well, I still AM fat, but I still feel as fat as I ever did. In my head I know it's not true because my clothes are getting too big, I'm buying smaller sizes and the numbers on the scale are going down, but I still feel fat.

I still feel ugly. One of the main reasons I never bothered to lose weight was because I'd still have the same face. I hate the fact I feel like this. It's stupid. I'm in my 30s and I should be over this ridiculous teenage angst. What's making it worse just now is my hair is stressing me out. It's recently been thinning (I say recently, its been years, but my Dr can't find any reasons why) and it looks horrible. But again, it's not the end of the world and I just need to fricking get over it.

I still don't feel fit. I know I am a lot fitter than I was. Not at the top of my fitness but probably the fittest I've ever been in my life and I'm planning on keeping this up and improving it, but like I said I still don't feel fit.

These are all the stupid issues that have been dogging me this week. I am hoping it's maybe just a hormonal thing thats making them worse, but they're always there, in the back of my mind, taunting me.

If anyone has any advice on how to get over self image issues I'd love to hear them. And I hope I look back on this soon as see how far I've come.

Quick update...

Another 1.5lb off this week (on Sat), which I was really pleased with. I have definitely turned a corner now I feel and I'm so happy to be back on track.

I don't expect such a good result this week - it's been a bit of a mare. Multiple eating out and trying to make the right choices but it's hard when you're a) as fussy as me and b) have such a shitty selection of healthy foods locally. I've also missed the gym a couple of times due to appointments (dentist etc).

On a more positive note, I had a breakthrough in the gym this week. I am still going to spin class but I find it so hard to keep standing up. I can only manage maybe 30 seconds max. I never found it comfortable - I'd either find it really painful in my thighs and couldn't push through, or it would hurt my calves or my ankles. I did stand up but just couldn't push through.

Well this week I had an absolutely shit day at work and felt miserable. I just wanted to come home and hibernate. I also felt really icky. Really nauseous and dizzy and just not 100%. I wasn't going to go. Right up til five minutes before I had to leave I wasn't going, but I did. Even when I got up there I thought "oh I could just go home before class starts" but I didn't - I went to class and ten minutes into it something unexpected happened - I felt amazing! I couldn't believe it. I had so much energy, all the sickness and dizziness just disappeared. I pedalled by little heart out! And then when it came to standing up, I did the whole time for two whole songs. I've never even been close to that before. I didn't manage the whole way through all of the standing up parts, but I stood up on all of them and I managed the whole time and the two longest parts.

One of the songs is super cheesy, I can't even remember the words but it's one of these 'reach for the top, keep going, don't give up' kinda dance numbers and I normally laugh (internally!) at it but I fully embraced the cheesiness this time! I reached for the top! I kept going! I didn't give up! I really couldn't believe I'd managed it, and I didn't even really struggle. It was hard but I didn't struggle or feel like sitting down, I just wanted to keep going. I had to hold back the tears, because (I've never said this before) I was so proud of myself. It was such a great moment and I'd say one of the key experiences I've had so far on my weight loss journey. Now I just need to keep it up!

<3

Trying something new - Mk1

In my NY resolutions post, I said I wanted to try some new forms of exercise, and I'm pleased to report I have. I've tried a few classes, but the one I'm going to talk about just now is Spinning.



Spinning was the class I think I was most excited to try. People I know who've done it rave about it. Online reviews say it's fantastic. Apparently, you can burn up to 800 calories in an hours class. 800 CALORIES?! Sign me up!

In case you're not familiar with spinning, it's basically indoor biking. You sit on a stationary bike and pedal like hell for however long your class is!

Before I went to class, I had a different idea of what went on. I thought that you pedalled, but I also thought you did upper body exercises. It seemed a bit mad to me that you'd just pedal for an hour. I'm sure every class is different, but in my class we basically just pedal. There's no upper body exercises at all - save for a couple of stretches.

The bikes are pretty basic - no digital displays. Just a wee notch on the bike you use to control the resistance/tension. We're told at the beginning of the class to move the resistance to where our "ten" is and then we set off at a five. You bike in time to music that is blasting out - to me, that's the best part. And there's some good tunes on ours! Once we start pedalling we literally don't stop til the last few minutes when we're doing cool down. You don't stop when the music stops, you don't stop to change resistance, you just go, go, go.

The instructor will shout out to increase or decrease the resistance, and instruct you to pedal along in time with the music - there can be a fair bit of difference in the tempo, and I actually find it harder going slow!

A few times you crank the resistance right up and then get up and pedal standing up. Hooooly moooooly. When I was a kid I'd never think twice about pedalling like that - especially uphill! I find it SO hard at spin. I can't stay up the whole time (it's probably less than a minute), so I just do what I can and then sit back down and pedal sitting down. I have noticed in the short time I've been going that I can manage it longer now though.

My first impressions were that I hated it. I've never come out of a class hating it, but I downright hated it. I felt terrible when I came out of the class. I was tired, my legs hurt and I was actually grumpy. And even though I was tired and sore, I didn't actually feel like I'd had a good workout. Plus, the first time, your undercarriage will hurt. And hurt BAAAAAD! I'm not just talking butt cheeks, I'm talking everything that touches the seat. I was in agony - it was so bad that I couldn't sit up in bed that night and I had to sleep on my side. I could also still feel it painful (no joke) four days after I took the class. I was sure my foof was bruised and I was actually worried that I'd hurt myself until another first timer said she felt the same, phew!

I wasn't sure whether to go back or not. My friend who went along liked it and was definitely going back, but I wasn't sure. So I talked to another couple of friends who did it and also posted on the WW message boards. The response was overwhelmingly positive and everyone encouraged me to stick with it so after that feedback I decided not to shoot it down after class #1 (plus, rememeber - up to 800 calories!) so I decided to give it a month (which would be four classes) and see how I feel before looking for an alternative if I still don't like it. Also, everyone said ass-wise, the first class is the worst!

One of the other issues I had is that I am pretty short (5' 1") and I found the bike very uncomfortable. I felt like I could barely reach the handlebars (even with adjustments) which make the whole experience even more uncomfortable for me.

I went to the next class and I'm pleased to say I found a much more comfortable bike and although you could definitely feel your butt bone hurt a bit, it wasn't even a fraction as bad as the first time. But, in all honesty, I still found the class boring. Cycling to music in the dark, and not going anywhere. I bet I could cover miles on a real bike at that intensity for an hour. It doesn't energise me or excite me. I'm sure it's a good workout but because from the waist up nothing moves, it doesn't feel like it to me. I'm also worried, having little legs, that it could build up muscle in my legs and I'd end up with pins like a rugby player, no thanks!

Tonight is going to be my fourth class, so I will see how I get on after class tonight (if I make it, I might not make it to gym in time, in which case it'll be next week).

I'd definitely recommend trying it. Everyone else I've spoken to who does it loves it and finds it a fantastic workout. And if you do try it and like it and plan to keep it up, I'm pleased to say you can invest in gel seats or padded shorts to save your lil cheeks from pain! I'd also recommend taking a towel in to wipe your face (You. Will. Sweat!) and a full bottle of water.

My health & fitness inspiration - Part I

There are two people I can credit with getting me into the whole exercise and health and fitness thing, and I am about to introduce the first lady who motivated me to get off my fat ass and do something!

Name: Danielle Hampton
Blog: www.sometimessweet.com
Twitter: www.twitter.com/danihampton



I discovered Danielle's awesome blog through her Flickr photostream, and I can't actually remember how I found her Flickr. Probably through a tattoo group on there (as you will see if you visit her blog, Danielle has some of the most beautiful tattoos I've ever seen!).

I shouldn't like Danielle. She's the complete opposite of me. She's sweet (sometimes, according to her blog!), focused, positive, happy, healthy, clever and so pretty! So really, I should dislike her, or at the very least she should bug me, but she doesn't. I think she's an amazing young woman and she inspires me so much. Her blog isn't a health and fitness blog per se, but it features a lot because health and fitness is such a big part of Danielle's life.

Danielle was the first person I encountered who was young, cool, trendy (cool and trendy, OMG, that sounds so square!) who actually enjoyed exercise and talked about it and how beneficial she found it. I never came across ANYONE online or IRL who did that. I knew people who went to the gym or went running, but they all moaned about it. The fact that it was something you could enjoy, well that was a revelation to me.




Danielle has recently had a gorgeous baby boy, Henry, and she stayed fit and healthy through her entire pregnancy. She looked amazing (as always) and I even read that she exercised right the way up to her due date. This is definitely something I aspire to do should I ever fall pregnant. Before I'd have used it as an excuse to sit on my backside with my feet up and be waited on with plates of chips and chocolate bars and coffee for nine months. Now I would like to have a fit, wholesome pregnancy like Danielle.



After reading her blog for a while, maybe a year or so, I decided it was time for me to try out exercise to see if it was a good and fulfilling as Danielle said it was. And with that, I joined Curves.

After going to Curves for a few months, I felt like it wasn't really the gym for me (I'll go into this in another post) and I joined a "real" gym - the gym I'm at now, which has machines, weights, classes, pool, showers, changing room etc - and I have never looked back! I now LOVE exercising and I understand exactly what she means when she says its a natural anti-depressant.

Check out the blog for motivational hints and tips and info on what type of exercise Danielle does.

Danielle also posts super tasty recipes from time to time. Always nutritious and delicious and generally with ingredients that are easy to source (something important to me being in the UK and not always being able to get super exciting healthy foods like you can in the States), with nice easy to follow instructions and pictures, which is great for me since I'm not the most accomplished cook you'll ever meet (but I'm trying to learn!). She also knows how to treat herself so you will get the odd cookie recipe in there as well! :) Again, I think she takes a very balanced approach to her health and she isn't afraid to have a slice of pizza or pie every now and then.




Besides the health and fitness aspect of Sometimes Sweet I love it for the positive and happy outlook she has on life, as well as for her super cute outfits and general life updates!



All in all I genuinely don't feel I ever would've joined the gym and discovered what a joy exercise can be if I hadn't read Danielle's blog, so for that I'd just like to say a huge THANK YOU to Danielle for being so awesome and inspirational and if you haven't been there before, check out Sometimes Sweet!