Stressed & unhappy (can't think of a catchy title so there it is...)

image via weheartit.com

I've addressed this before but I just feel like I need to put it out there again, so that hopefully I can look back on it in future and see some progress.

This week has been pretty tough for me and I've been dealing with some emotional issues, and I'm not quite sure of the best way to overcome them. One of the main things I've been dealing with is an insane bout of jealousy. This in turn made me feel stupid, small, petty, childish and downright horrible. I sought advice from soneone online who I follow (I'd never broach this with one of my real life friends), and the advice they gave me was pretty much exactly what I knew in my head but I just don't know how to translate it into that gut feeling. Thankfully I'm not feeling jealous anymore, but just really sad and mean and unhappy.

Something I think it's all stemmed from is I still don't feel this huge improvement that everyone who loses weight seems to rave about - "I feel so much better!", "I look so much better!", "I have so much more confidence!", "I am so much happier with myself now!" - I don't feel any of this and I so wish that I did.

I still feel fat. Well, I still AM fat, but I still feel as fat as I ever did. In my head I know it's not true because my clothes are getting too big, I'm buying smaller sizes and the numbers on the scale are going down, but I still feel fat.

I still feel ugly. One of the main reasons I never bothered to lose weight was because I'd still have the same face. I hate the fact I feel like this. It's stupid. I'm in my 30s and I should be over this ridiculous teenage angst. What's making it worse just now is my hair is stressing me out. It's recently been thinning (I say recently, its been years, but my Dr can't find any reasons why) and it looks horrible. But again, it's not the end of the world and I just need to fricking get over it.

I still don't feel fit. I know I am a lot fitter than I was. Not at the top of my fitness but probably the fittest I've ever been in my life and I'm planning on keeping this up and improving it, but like I said I still don't feel fit.

These are all the stupid issues that have been dogging me this week. I am hoping it's maybe just a hormonal thing thats making them worse, but they're always there, in the back of my mind, taunting me.

If anyone has any advice on how to get over self image issues I'd love to hear them. And I hope I look back on this soon as see how far I've come.

Friday night thoughts III

Well I didn't go to weigh in last week. Officially I slept in, but unofficially I think it was my subconscious just telling me not to go. I set my alarm and woke up and lay in bed for a few minutes, planning to get up and go but the thought of it was awful - I didn't know where my weigh in card was (the new one I got after losing my last one, which if I am honest, I loved - it had everything I'd achieved on there, and it's gone and I don't know where it is) and we'd had bucketloads of snow overnight. I turned round to set the snooze on my alarm, but I don't know if I set it and slept through it or if I just didn't set it properly. Either way, I woke up 45 minutes after my class started so there was no point in even trying to get there.

I thought I would feel guilty. Never before have I toyed with the idea of not going - even when I've known I was going to have a gain. I feel that it's just as, if not, more important to go when you're doing badly as it is when you're doing well. But I didn't feel guilty. Initially, I felt relieved. It felt good to have had a lie in and I went about the rest of the day as normal. I wasn't hung up on it at all, but as I look back over the week it's set the tone for being lazy and missing stuff "accidently on purpose" the whole week.

I've not tracked at all this week, and have pretty much just eaten what I've wanted. I've not gone wild but I've not been conservative either. I've had SO much chocolate, which isn't something that would normally interest me much and I've drank most of the week as well. Because the weather has been so crap, I've literally felt like I needed food to "stick to my bones" (ridic, it's hardly like I'm wasting away!) and I've eaten burgers, chips, pasta, toast, cheese. I've filled myself up on milky coffees with sugar, and if I'm honest I've loved every minute of it.

I am SO pissed off with myself. When I started Weight Watchers I took to it so easily and got on really well with it. I never felt denied anything, I never felt hungry, I never felt like I was on a diet. I couldn't believe how easy I found it. I'd read people on the WW website and hear people talking about how they'd fallen off the wagon, or were struggling with it and I couldn't understand it at all. Why were they having this problem? If a big fatty like me who munched continually couldn manage it why couldn't they? I wasn't being judgmental but it scared me that people could be doing it for so long, having amazing results and still fall off the wagon. I waneted to understand WHY it happened to people, and now I'm here living it, and I don't understand it myself.

I'm going to go to weigh in tomorrow (hah, without my weigh in card! The embarrasment!) and just take whatever it has to throw at me. And I'll be honest, I'm scared. Not worried, not nervous - SCARED. I'm scared that this is it, I'm scared I'm going back to my own ways. I'm scared of a gain in case I feel upset, but I'm scared of a loss in case I think I can get away with this sort of shit. I'll just need to take it as it comes.

My plan is once I've been to WI, that I will come out with a renewed focus. I will track, I will follow the ProPoints plan (I've not even really attempted it yet) and I NEED to get back to the gym. I haven't been in over two weeks as I was doing some intense study and then this fucking weather started! The weather is forecast to keep up so even if I can't get to the gym, I need to exercise in the house. I can't let this beat me. I need to get back to where I was before and I need to tell myself I CAN DO THIS.

Friday night thoughts II

So, WW hasn't been going at all well just now. I'm feeling really negative and can't shake it. I've been okay this week, but not great. Stuck to my normal meals but I've had to the odd extra thing here and there, and haven't tracked at all. The good news is I've been to the gym twice. The bad news is I planned to go three times.

I've no idea what will happen tomorrow. I've kinda done Discover plan, kinda done ProPoints, kinda not bothered, so really the scales could say anything. I've also lost my Weigh In card. No fricking idea where it is.

The final straw is I just looked out of the window and there's a good covering of snow over everything (I hate snow) and that scuppers my plans to wear my leggings (eg lightest trousers, and what I wore last week) to get weighed as I've no "snow friendly" boots I can wear with them. Oh le sigh. Hopefully I'll feel more positive next week. I've no idea whats happened but I've completely lost my mojo.

Uh-oh

I've had a bad week this week. Totally my own fault and no one else to blame.

Yesterday I had a big work day out which had been arranged for a few weeks. It basically involved eating loads and drinking. Because I knew it was coming up I planned to a) weigh in early (on Thursday rather than today, Saturday), b) save a couple of points a day so that any damage wasn't as bad as it might've been and c) make healthy choices. Just because I'm booked into restaurants for lunch and dinner doesn't mean I have to go crazy and have eat really bad food. Unfortunately I did none of this.

All week I've eaten like crap. I've had pies, chips, chocolate, alcohol and I've not set foot inside the gym. I kidded myself by saying "oh it's this new ProPoints system. I've not had it rolled out yet but all the stuff online has changed so I don't know how to work the points out!". This was shit. LIES! I basically wanted to eat what I wanted without thinking about it. By the time Thursday came around I knew I'd have gained anyway so I thought fuck it and just went shopping instead.

When I went out yesterday I did pace myself as far as alcohol is concerned. I am pretty much a lightweight and if I drank the way everyone else did I probably would've blacked out/passed out/spewed (or all three!) but the thing is I spaced the drinks out with Pepsi and not water. I drank cocktails, I ate chips and cheese and other fatty things and then I moved onto cider.

I was SO tempted to skip WI this morning, but they've launched the new Propoints plan and it was being rolled out this morning so I had to go to get my pack. I prepated myself that I was going to have a gain and I didn't think I was bothered. But I got there and stood on the scales as I was so disappointed when I saw it was worst than I feared. I put on 1.5lbs. I know 1.5lbs doesn't seem like much, but if I dropped 1.5lbs I'd be delighed. It's a huge amount to me, especially as my weight loss has been so good the last couple of weeks. I've been doing WW for about 28, 29 weeks now, and I haven't had a gain in 17 weeks and the most I've ever gained before 1lb *siiiiiiiiiiiiigh*

Oh well. Like I say, no one to blame but myself and only I can put it right, which is exactly what I plan to do. I am away from home next week for two days, but plan to be prepared for the whole thing (the only thing I won't be able to control is the dinner on the Thursday night but I can control how much of it I eat). This week will be my first week on ProPoints so I will give some thoughts on it next week but the good thing is it makes it easier for me to grab some food on the go/take food with me as fruit is now all 0pts. My suitcase will be full of apples and oranges!

In other news, I tried on my size 16 jeans this week and they fit nicely which was a huge boost, but I also tried on my size 16 Anthro dress and I am still miles away from getting into it. Maybe summertime!

And for about a year, maybe longer, I have loved loved LOVED Dannii Minogue's chic and shiny bob. I always said I would get it when I lost weight (waaay before I even thought about joining WW, and not really believing I would ever lose weight). I hate my hair. I've always had fine hair, but I used to have lots of it. To the point I'd asked for updos and other styles and been told on more than one occasion by more than one hairdresser that I had "too much" hair for that particular style. Over the past few years my hair has got thinner and thinner and it upsets me SO much. I've cried about it. I went to the Docs recently to see if he could find any cause, but they can't. It's just "one of those things" and "it might right itself" and "good hairdressing should hide it". *Sigh*. So I've been growing it for years but it looked awful so I decided, well I've lost weight, I've loved this hairstyle, maybe getting it chopped off will help the condition and maybe stimulate the growth again.

I have to say my hairdresser did a fantastic job. She did exactly what I ask for and it's not her fault I feel this way, but here's what I went in and asked for:



And here's what I think I look like with it:



Now don't get me wrong, I think Ruth Jones is a great looking woman. But not as Ness.

I'm really disappointed with it, but it's because I've completely overthought it. I think in my head I'd come out with the new hair cut LOOKING like Dannii haha. I mean, no way, it's a haircut not bloody plastic surgery! But anyhoo, I was hoping it'd be a confidence boost, but it's not. I hate it and with my shitastic hair it will take FOREVER to grow. Meh.

Sorry for the Debbie Downer post but it's just the kinda mood I'm in.

24 ta life....

I've been on WW now for 24 weeks and I can easily say this is the worst week I've had "on plan". The reason I'm putting "on plan" in speech marks is because I can't actually say I've been on plan this week. In fact, I have most definitely been off plan this week and kidding myself that I have been anything else.

I don't know what the problem has been this week. Saturdays, I always have a points free day. I eat what I like and I don't worry about it. Especially now as I've found that what I eat has drastically reduced in size from what I ate before. But I think it all kicked off this Saturday.

I went out for lunch as normal, and left most of my lunch because I was just so full. I can't remember what I ate for dinner, but I drank that night and had some "munchies" a;ong with it.

Sunday I was lying in bed thinking "I could really go something tasty and stodgy for breakfast...toast with loads of butter, roll on sausage...all washed down with a delicious capuccinno" and just then my friend texted me to see if I wanted to go out for lunch (yes, I was still in bed at lunchtime). I wasn't going to go, but the lure of the capuccinno was too much so I quickly jumped out of bed, showered and got ready to go out. I knew where we were going and my pre-WW usual there was a massive cheese toastie with vegetable soup. I'll just get the vegetable soup I told myself. Vegetable soup and a capuccinno. Or toast and a capuccinno. But when I got there I ordered my old faithful - the huge cheese toastie, with the soup. And when they brought the soup they brough an additional extra that I never used to get - crusty bread with real butter. I wasn't going to eat it. But I did.

I went the rest of Sunday not having much, but then decided to have a drink at night. I can't remember (not coz I was drunk but coz I wasn't counting points) if I had anything to munch with it.

From there on in the week has just spiralled - chocolate biscuits, rolls on sausage, full fat crisps, burgers, cheese. It's all just gone wrong. I can't believe I've let myself do this. I don't know why I did it. And it's pissing me off that I did do it!

I'm sure this week of overindulgence will lead to a gain on the scales tomorrow, and I have no one to blame but myself. I just hope its not too much, but as I sit here with two (yes, TWO) burgers and a lemon sweetie bar in my belly, I'm not holding out much hope.

We'll see how I get on in ten hours.

Thoughts on looks and self image...

Most people I know or read about want to lose weight to help with their looks. Sure some of them will want to do it for health reasons but 9 out of 10 times (in my experience) it's to look good/fit into nice clothes/be sexy/get a partner. It's superficial but it's true. I've never considered myself to be superficial, but I am.

One of the reasons I went so long without trying to lose weight is because I felt like it didn't matter how much weight I'd lose, I'd still look like me. And I'm ugly.

The feeling that I am ugly has plagued me my whole life. I've never been popular, I've never really "got on" in life and in the back of my mind I've always felt like it was because I wasn't pretty/attractive/sexy. Note: I know this (probably) isn't true, it's probably to do with my lack of confidence than anything else, but I still feel that way in the back of my mind and I just can't shake it and don't know it I ever will.

As a little girl I never felt as pretty as the other girls in the class. I can't remember anyone ever telling me I looked pretty or cute (even in my family). I think the best I may have got was "nice" and it wasn't usually me they used the term about, it was "that's a nice dress" or "your hair looks nicer that way". It was never "you look really nice today".

When I got to high school I felt even worse. I was slim in both primary and high school but in high school but I was ugly, and people told me. Ugly hair, ugly freckles, ugly clothes. Then when I tried to fit in I just got laughed at for wanting to be accepted.

I left high school as soon as I could and went into full time working, but it was basically the same. Always the loner, always on the outside. Always the "weirdo" as my friends so lovingly referred to me ("Gasp! You like heavy metal - YOU WEIRDO! Gasp! You like reading - YOU WEIRDO! Gasp! You don't like boybands - YOU WEIRDO! Gasp! You're interested in politics - YOU WEIRDO!". I didn't even mind the weirdo tag so much back then but now it irritates me when I think about it.

My whole career I've felt like because I look ugly/weird I not got on as well as I could've. I don't 'look' like the person you'd give that job to. The problem is that's when the bitch in me comes out. I'll see people who I consider unattractive in a great job and think "how did he/she get that job?" - nothing to do with their experience or qualifications. It's their looks.

When I go to the gym, the instructors are all chatty chatty with the other people and they're just "professional friendly" with me. In my head, it's coz they're thinking "why the hell is this fat ugly chick even bothering?!" but in reality it's because other people are friendly and chatty back whereas I'm cold and guarded.

I know in reality it's ridiculous. But I still have these hang ups. And I want to get over them, but I don't know how.

I'm 31 years old and I pour over the Blogger and Flickr every day, saving pictures of people I want to look like, want to dress like, want to be shaped like. I'm thirty-fuckin'-one years old and I still aspire to be like other people! By this point in my life I should be ME! I should know who I am, know my style, be confident but I'm not. I'm still that little girl who feels ugly compared to all her classmates.

This post has been really hard for me to write. I hear people who say out loud "I'm ugly, I look awful" and all I can think is "STFU you attention seeker! If you really, REALLY felt that way you could never vocalise it. You could never tell other people. Because it hurts. It hurts and the reactions of people just make you feel worse". Regardless of whether people would seem genuinely shocked you feel that way or whether they would sort of stutter and give you a compliment, it would never make me feel better to tell someone. And I never have. And the only reason I can do it here is because it doesn't feel like anyone is reading/listening. And I don't know if anyone is. And if anyone is, I'm not looking for reassurance. You can't give me any reassurance.

The reason I am writing this post is because right now I feel VERY ugly. Its effecting almost everything I do just now. My hair is thin and hangs in bits. When I pull it back theres balding areas. My skin looks horrid, its either too shiny or too matte. It always looks dirty from my freckles. I try to take care of myself - put make up on, paint my nails, but I always feel I look like a kiddy who's been playing in Mama's make up box. In summary - I feel shit right now. Which is why I react so hard when people assume I feel awesome because of my weight loss. I don't feel awesome. I feel ugly. Uglier in fact, just slimmer. And feeling like this makes me feel ugly on the inside too, because I know I've got it easy. I know some people have been in accidents or born with disabilities or whatever and that makes their life way harder than mine. And that makes me feel bad. I just want to get past this and get on with my life.