Hmph

So I thought the heavy feeling that was weighing me down was sadness. Turns out it wasn't. Turns out it was FAT. Three additional pounds of fat! I am so pissed off, confused and unhappy. I've never gained 3lbs in one week before (I did once, but I'd drank a ridiculous amount of water that day, not peed before weigh in and weighed in at night after 3 meals and not first thing. I also lost that 3lbs, and more, by the time I weighed back in normally four days later).

I said I wouldn't be surprised with a gain this week, but I meant 1lb max. I didn't overeat. I ate out, but felt I made good choices (Lentil soup, roast chicken no skin and a baked potato). I just don't understand it.

I'm just fed up in general at the moment and this hasn't helped. It's wiped out the last two weeks losses and my mini goals. I could actually cry, I'm so sad and angry and annoyed. Grrr.

Droppin' the pounds, droppin' the points

It's been a while since I've blogged. I keep sitting down to do it, but can't find the words. I don't feel anything positive or negative in particular, I think it's more just laziness (one of my worst traits!) and whenever I sit with the purpose of blogging nothing comes out.

Anyhoo, the last two weeks I am super pleased to say I have been back on track big time! I started back on the Discover plan (or "vintage points" as they now seem to be called, which I love) and I'm having far more success. I didn't go to weigh in the week before last, we had snow again and I didn't make it so I weighed myself in the house and I lost 2lbs (my scales were weighing me 0.5lb heavier than the WW scales last time I did this)! I was so pleased, and gutted I couldn't get to weigh in to get that little mark on my card! What was even better was that it brought me back down to 0.5lb to get my next Silver 7 - my 3 stone off mark. I feel like I've been waiting for this forever, but pretty much that I am to blame for it. Propoints didn't agree with me but I should've faced up to that much earlier. But, no time to dwell on what should've happened.

Last week, I pointed and tracked again all week, but I was terrified when I went to weigh in I wouldn't have lost the 0.5lb I needed to get to my mini goal (a mini goal I set back in October and only had 7.5lb to lose to get to). I'd done everything right but I was just so scared I'd get on those scales and it wouldn't happen for me. So I had a sneaky peek. I've never done this before and I won't again - my scales weighed me in at 11st 4lbs. That was a 3lb drop from the week before. I knew I hadn't lost that much so I didn't feel reassured at all!

I went along to WW (after briefly toying with the (silly) idea of not going in case I "failed"!) and stepped on the scales, practically sweating (TMI, sorry!) with fear and anticipation...and I dropped 1lb! I was SO happy! Takes me down to 11st 6lb and I got my super shiny little Silver 7! I could've leaped with joy!

So once again, it just goes to show TRACKING WORKS! There's no way to avoid it, when you start sneaking those little titbits in that's when it gets out of control. And I'm pleased to say, I am back in control :) The downside is dropping a point, but hey, it's worth it!

One thing I will say is for all the time I was on my self imposed plateau I maybe didn't lose any weight, but I did lose inches. I'm now a proper size 16. I can go into a shop and pick up a 16 and it'll fit. I put this down to keeping up with my exercise even when not on plan with WW. I made a point of always going and the last couple of weeks I've upped my classes to five a week.

I'm also now able to start dressing the way I want to dress (blog post coming up on this) and I've recently treated myself to the little goodies below! (If only I had this gal's figure!)





from Dorothy Perkins

I am hopeful that this is me now over the plateau and back on track for good. I have 2 stone to lose now (28lbs) to get to the highest "healthy weight" on the WW scale so I am aiming for that as my goal weight, and I will see how I feel when I get there. Because I am pretty short, I think I might feel like I want to lose a bit more.

My next mini goal is to get to 11st exactly, then I'm going to try running - one of my aims for the year. I still feel like I am too heavy just now and I've been having slight issues with my knee at the gym (even doing low impact stuff) so I need to keep an eye on it.

Oh, and after I said I hated spinning, I still don't love it but I am still going and I'm coming round to it...I did it twice last week!

The number that I can't hit...

Three is apparently the magic number. But not for me. I've been hovering around the almost-lost-three-stone mark for so long now. Last week I had 1lb to drop. So easy, so doable. I went to the gym way more than normal. I thought I ate well. I stood on the scale. And I put on a 1lb. So now, I'm 2lbs away from my next Silver 7 and I'll be honest, I might as well be 2 stone away from it. That's how far it seems.

This week will be hard as I'm away with work so basically will be served food I have to eat - no choices. Gulp.

Friday night thoughts III

Well I didn't go to weigh in last week. Officially I slept in, but unofficially I think it was my subconscious just telling me not to go. I set my alarm and woke up and lay in bed for a few minutes, planning to get up and go but the thought of it was awful - I didn't know where my weigh in card was (the new one I got after losing my last one, which if I am honest, I loved - it had everything I'd achieved on there, and it's gone and I don't know where it is) and we'd had bucketloads of snow overnight. I turned round to set the snooze on my alarm, but I don't know if I set it and slept through it or if I just didn't set it properly. Either way, I woke up 45 minutes after my class started so there was no point in even trying to get there.

I thought I would feel guilty. Never before have I toyed with the idea of not going - even when I've known I was going to have a gain. I feel that it's just as, if not, more important to go when you're doing badly as it is when you're doing well. But I didn't feel guilty. Initially, I felt relieved. It felt good to have had a lie in and I went about the rest of the day as normal. I wasn't hung up on it at all, but as I look back over the week it's set the tone for being lazy and missing stuff "accidently on purpose" the whole week.

I've not tracked at all this week, and have pretty much just eaten what I've wanted. I've not gone wild but I've not been conservative either. I've had SO much chocolate, which isn't something that would normally interest me much and I've drank most of the week as well. Because the weather has been so crap, I've literally felt like I needed food to "stick to my bones" (ridic, it's hardly like I'm wasting away!) and I've eaten burgers, chips, pasta, toast, cheese. I've filled myself up on milky coffees with sugar, and if I'm honest I've loved every minute of it.

I am SO pissed off with myself. When I started Weight Watchers I took to it so easily and got on really well with it. I never felt denied anything, I never felt hungry, I never felt like I was on a diet. I couldn't believe how easy I found it. I'd read people on the WW website and hear people talking about how they'd fallen off the wagon, or were struggling with it and I couldn't understand it at all. Why were they having this problem? If a big fatty like me who munched continually couldn manage it why couldn't they? I wasn't being judgmental but it scared me that people could be doing it for so long, having amazing results and still fall off the wagon. I waneted to understand WHY it happened to people, and now I'm here living it, and I don't understand it myself.

I'm going to go to weigh in tomorrow (hah, without my weigh in card! The embarrasment!) and just take whatever it has to throw at me. And I'll be honest, I'm scared. Not worried, not nervous - SCARED. I'm scared that this is it, I'm scared I'm going back to my own ways. I'm scared of a gain in case I feel upset, but I'm scared of a loss in case I think I can get away with this sort of shit. I'll just need to take it as it comes.

My plan is once I've been to WI, that I will come out with a renewed focus. I will track, I will follow the ProPoints plan (I've not even really attempted it yet) and I NEED to get back to the gym. I haven't been in over two weeks as I was doing some intense study and then this fucking weather started! The weather is forecast to keep up so even if I can't get to the gym, I need to exercise in the house. I can't let this beat me. I need to get back to where I was before and I need to tell myself I CAN DO THIS.

This week

This week I am making a promise to myself to:

- track accurately all week
- stick to points, that is not going over but not going under either
- get to the gym at least 3 times this week
- to do something "active" (eg long walk) on the days I don't make the gym
- try to up my fruit and veg intake
- aim to lessen my reliance on convenience/processed foods because it's easier than thinking about what I'm going to eat
- (non WW related) stick to my study schedule

Let's see how it goes