Droppin' the pounds, droppin' the points

It's been a while since I've blogged. I keep sitting down to do it, but can't find the words. I don't feel anything positive or negative in particular, I think it's more just laziness (one of my worst traits!) and whenever I sit with the purpose of blogging nothing comes out.

Anyhoo, the last two weeks I am super pleased to say I have been back on track big time! I started back on the Discover plan (or "vintage points" as they now seem to be called, which I love) and I'm having far more success. I didn't go to weigh in the week before last, we had snow again and I didn't make it so I weighed myself in the house and I lost 2lbs (my scales were weighing me 0.5lb heavier than the WW scales last time I did this)! I was so pleased, and gutted I couldn't get to weigh in to get that little mark on my card! What was even better was that it brought me back down to 0.5lb to get my next Silver 7 - my 3 stone off mark. I feel like I've been waiting for this forever, but pretty much that I am to blame for it. Propoints didn't agree with me but I should've faced up to that much earlier. But, no time to dwell on what should've happened.

Last week, I pointed and tracked again all week, but I was terrified when I went to weigh in I wouldn't have lost the 0.5lb I needed to get to my mini goal (a mini goal I set back in October and only had 7.5lb to lose to get to). I'd done everything right but I was just so scared I'd get on those scales and it wouldn't happen for me. So I had a sneaky peek. I've never done this before and I won't again - my scales weighed me in at 11st 4lbs. That was a 3lb drop from the week before. I knew I hadn't lost that much so I didn't feel reassured at all!

I went along to WW (after briefly toying with the (silly) idea of not going in case I "failed"!) and stepped on the scales, practically sweating (TMI, sorry!) with fear and anticipation...and I dropped 1lb! I was SO happy! Takes me down to 11st 6lb and I got my super shiny little Silver 7! I could've leaped with joy!

So once again, it just goes to show TRACKING WORKS! There's no way to avoid it, when you start sneaking those little titbits in that's when it gets out of control. And I'm pleased to say, I am back in control :) The downside is dropping a point, but hey, it's worth it!

One thing I will say is for all the time I was on my self imposed plateau I maybe didn't lose any weight, but I did lose inches. I'm now a proper size 16. I can go into a shop and pick up a 16 and it'll fit. I put this down to keeping up with my exercise even when not on plan with WW. I made a point of always going and the last couple of weeks I've upped my classes to five a week.

I'm also now able to start dressing the way I want to dress (blog post coming up on this) and I've recently treated myself to the little goodies below! (If only I had this gal's figure!)





from Dorothy Perkins

I am hopeful that this is me now over the plateau and back on track for good. I have 2 stone to lose now (28lbs) to get to the highest "healthy weight" on the WW scale so I am aiming for that as my goal weight, and I will see how I feel when I get there. Because I am pretty short, I think I might feel like I want to lose a bit more.

My next mini goal is to get to 11st exactly, then I'm going to try running - one of my aims for the year. I still feel like I am too heavy just now and I've been having slight issues with my knee at the gym (even doing low impact stuff) so I need to keep an eye on it.

Oh, and after I said I hated spinning, I still don't love it but I am still going and I'm coming round to it...I did it twice last week!

The number that I can't hit...

Three is apparently the magic number. But not for me. I've been hovering around the almost-lost-three-stone mark for so long now. Last week I had 1lb to drop. So easy, so doable. I went to the gym way more than normal. I thought I ate well. I stood on the scale. And I put on a 1lb. So now, I'm 2lbs away from my next Silver 7 and I'll be honest, I might as well be 2 stone away from it. That's how far it seems.

This week will be hard as I'm away with work so basically will be served food I have to eat - no choices. Gulp.

WI result...

...I only lost 1lb. It's the most disappointed I've ever been with a result (especially a loss!) but I was really, really hoping for the 2lb to hit my next milestone. I'm not gonna lie, I was gutted!

Anyhoo, now I'm not too bothered and it's given me the resolve to try harder this week, as well as trying to get focussed on losing weight again. I've been in the elevens since October because of my coasting since ProPoints was launched and over Christmas/New Year, so I definitely have a bit of motivation back!

Like Kylie says on the WW ad...

'Wowowowow!'

NEVER did I think I'd be so happy about a gain, but I am! After my Christmas/NY break, I went to my first weigh in today and have only gained half a pound! Half a freakin' pound! I can't believe it and I am SO happy with it! I have only really been on plan since Tuesday (and I mean on plan in the loosest sense of the word) so it really was a surprise. The thing is, over Christmas and NY yeah I ate more than I would normally and completely splurged a couple of days and didn't get to the gym, but when I think about it, I did stay active - I walked loads and in the snow which I think is harder than normal walking and I think although I focused on the times I was off plan, the majority of time I probably was on plan and just not tracking so was actually following it better than I thought I would.

I've definitely learned lessons for next Christmas/NY though - going to make sure I keep some sort of routine and TRACK!

I have 2lbs to lose til my next 'Silver 7' award, which will take me to a 3st loss, and I am planning to get this on Saturday. I won't be devastated if it doesn't happen, but I would like to try my best to stick to plan, stick to gym and finally get this 3st off!

Just now, I'm in the process of eating through some of M&S's Count on Us and Simply Fuller Longer ranges, and I'll review these once I'm done (won't take me long, haha). I did plan to try and eat less processed food this year, and it will happen but at the moment I'm not in the right mindset to try so I'm looking at good points friendly options just now.

Early resolutions

I've decided that by 1st January, I'm going to decide what my goal weight is, and when I want to be there by.

That is all :)

Friday night thoughts II

So, WW hasn't been going at all well just now. I'm feeling really negative and can't shake it. I've been okay this week, but not great. Stuck to my normal meals but I've had to the odd extra thing here and there, and haven't tracked at all. The good news is I've been to the gym twice. The bad news is I planned to go three times.

I've no idea what will happen tomorrow. I've kinda done Discover plan, kinda done ProPoints, kinda not bothered, so really the scales could say anything. I've also lost my Weigh In card. No fricking idea where it is.

The final straw is I just looked out of the window and there's a good covering of snow over everything (I hate snow) and that scuppers my plans to wear my leggings (eg lightest trousers, and what I wore last week) to get weighed as I've no "snow friendly" boots I can wear with them. Oh le sigh. Hopefully I'll feel more positive next week. I've no idea whats happened but I've completely lost my mojo.

Ch-ch-ch-chaaanges

So when I went along to my meeting on Saturday, I got my fancy schmancy new ProPoints book. According to the Leader "everything" we need to know would be in the book and she even brought in a days worth of her food (it was gross, it had been sitting all week!) to show just how much you can eat in a day. I planned to sit down and go through all the stuff on Saturday so that when I went shopping on Sunday I could have pre-planned all my meals so that I knew where I was at. I had a terrible week last week and I am blaming it on how I was stupidly feeling about the new plan. Scared it wouldn't work so sabotaging myself. Anyway, it didn't quite work out like that.

I did have a quick read of the stuff on Saturday. None of the science behind it, but the general info about foodstuffs and what the points allowances were. You basically now are allocated a daily and a weekly points allowance. My daily allowance is 29 and my weekly is 49 (everyone's weekly allowance is the same). You can no longer "save" points for treats etc, that's what your weekly allowance is for. The points value of all foods have changed - mostly increased. Fruit is now zero points, but other things, such as baked potatoes have leaped (10-14 points without filling I've heard - glad I don't bother with them!). I also know one of my staples (and yes this is probably why now they're trying to promote healthy eating) Weight Watchers oven chips have leapt from 4pts for 240g to 12pts!

First of all, I am on the minimum daily allowance of 29. Now, being that I haven't read the "science" behind it, it may well be explained in there, but my first impression is "I have at least three stone still to lose, possibly five, so how can I possibly be on the lowest points allowance?". Straight off the bat - without having to read any "science" - on the old plan I could see that as I lost weight, my points allowance reduced therefore allowing me to continue to lose weight at a healthy rate. I cannot see how I can have the same points allowance as some 8 stone chick looking to lose a bit of weight for Christmas / Wedding / Holidays. BUT like I say, I've not read the whole science shit so it might well be explained in there.


Secondly all over the website people are complaining about not being able to eat their 29 points a day. I don't think I'm going to have that issue. Today I had toast and coffee for breakfast, soup and a roll for lunch, a packet of crisps and a coffee for a snack and a small tin of Mac cheese with toast for dinner and I'm over points already. On the Discover plan I can guarantee I'd have had points left over on that.

Thirdly there doesn't seem to be much hard and fast information available - apparently food stuffs are still wrong on the tracker and on the website some people are saying you should be eating all of your daily points, and whatever you want of your weekly, some people are saying you should eat most of your daily points and some of your weekly and others are saying you should eat all of your daily points and all of your weekly! WTF Weight Watchers, get some frickin' FAQs up on your site!

Like I say, I planned to plan out my meals for the week and stick to them as best I could however on Sunday I was ill so I didn't get to the supermarket and had to rely on my fiance to get my food in. My head was all over the place so I just told him to get some of my old Discover Plan staples so I'm just having to muddle through as best I can.

Overall my first impressions of the plan aren't favourable, but I really want to like it. I like that they're trying to encourage you to choose foods that are good for you rather than foods that are convenient / low points, however I do think they will lose people in their droves. It's much harder now to pick up something in the supermarket and know whether its going to be something you'd want to include in your diet - on the Discover plan you knew if something was high in calories and/or high in sat fats it would also be high in points. Hell, sometimes from experience you could guess the points! There ain't no chance of that with their carb/fibre/fat/protein combo!

I don't think this week will go particularly well for me, due to the lack of planning but I'm not going to give up on it right away. I will give it a week or two, although I was really hoping to be in the 10s by 1st January although that looks hugely unlikely now.

Uh-oh

I've had a bad week this week. Totally my own fault and no one else to blame.

Yesterday I had a big work day out which had been arranged for a few weeks. It basically involved eating loads and drinking. Because I knew it was coming up I planned to a) weigh in early (on Thursday rather than today, Saturday), b) save a couple of points a day so that any damage wasn't as bad as it might've been and c) make healthy choices. Just because I'm booked into restaurants for lunch and dinner doesn't mean I have to go crazy and have eat really bad food. Unfortunately I did none of this.

All week I've eaten like crap. I've had pies, chips, chocolate, alcohol and I've not set foot inside the gym. I kidded myself by saying "oh it's this new ProPoints system. I've not had it rolled out yet but all the stuff online has changed so I don't know how to work the points out!". This was shit. LIES! I basically wanted to eat what I wanted without thinking about it. By the time Thursday came around I knew I'd have gained anyway so I thought fuck it and just went shopping instead.

When I went out yesterday I did pace myself as far as alcohol is concerned. I am pretty much a lightweight and if I drank the way everyone else did I probably would've blacked out/passed out/spewed (or all three!) but the thing is I spaced the drinks out with Pepsi and not water. I drank cocktails, I ate chips and cheese and other fatty things and then I moved onto cider.

I was SO tempted to skip WI this morning, but they've launched the new Propoints plan and it was being rolled out this morning so I had to go to get my pack. I prepated myself that I was going to have a gain and I didn't think I was bothered. But I got there and stood on the scales as I was so disappointed when I saw it was worst than I feared. I put on 1.5lbs. I know 1.5lbs doesn't seem like much, but if I dropped 1.5lbs I'd be delighed. It's a huge amount to me, especially as my weight loss has been so good the last couple of weeks. I've been doing WW for about 28, 29 weeks now, and I haven't had a gain in 17 weeks and the most I've ever gained before 1lb *siiiiiiiiiiiiigh*

Oh well. Like I say, no one to blame but myself and only I can put it right, which is exactly what I plan to do. I am away from home next week for two days, but plan to be prepared for the whole thing (the only thing I won't be able to control is the dinner on the Thursday night but I can control how much of it I eat). This week will be my first week on ProPoints so I will give some thoughts on it next week but the good thing is it makes it easier for me to grab some food on the go/take food with me as fruit is now all 0pts. My suitcase will be full of apples and oranges!

In other news, I tried on my size 16 jeans this week and they fit nicely which was a huge boost, but I also tried on my size 16 Anthro dress and I am still miles away from getting into it. Maybe summertime!

And for about a year, maybe longer, I have loved loved LOVED Dannii Minogue's chic and shiny bob. I always said I would get it when I lost weight (waaay before I even thought about joining WW, and not really believing I would ever lose weight). I hate my hair. I've always had fine hair, but I used to have lots of it. To the point I'd asked for updos and other styles and been told on more than one occasion by more than one hairdresser that I had "too much" hair for that particular style. Over the past few years my hair has got thinner and thinner and it upsets me SO much. I've cried about it. I went to the Docs recently to see if he could find any cause, but they can't. It's just "one of those things" and "it might right itself" and "good hairdressing should hide it". *Sigh*. So I've been growing it for years but it looked awful so I decided, well I've lost weight, I've loved this hairstyle, maybe getting it chopped off will help the condition and maybe stimulate the growth again.

I have to say my hairdresser did a fantastic job. She did exactly what I ask for and it's not her fault I feel this way, but here's what I went in and asked for:



And here's what I think I look like with it:



Now don't get me wrong, I think Ruth Jones is a great looking woman. But not as Ness.

I'm really disappointed with it, but it's because I've completely overthought it. I think in my head I'd come out with the new hair cut LOOKING like Dannii haha. I mean, no way, it's a haircut not bloody plastic surgery! But anyhoo, I was hoping it'd be a confidence boost, but it's not. I hate it and with my shitastic hair it will take FOREVER to grow. Meh.

Sorry for the Debbie Downer post but it's just the kinda mood I'm in.

WI and Pro-Points

I weighed in this Saturday and lost 2lbs! Woo! I am now on track for both online challenges I joined via the WW website - Christmas Challenge (lose at least 1lb a week in the 15 weeks running up to Christmas) and 12 for 12 (again, lose at least 1lb a week in the 12 weeks running up to Christmas). I was behind in both of these due to small loses or STS but now I am back on track, yeah!

Only 3.5lb to go til I hit my next big milestone - 3st off. I was hoping to do this in the next 2 weeks, but it's unlikely I will lose this week (and will probably gain) as I am off out for a day of eating and drinking on Friday so I will either be weighing in a day early, or weighing in on my normal day hungover and bloated!

So, the new plan was launched this week - Propoints (or Pro Points, or Pro-Points?). I have to say, although I am very openminded about the new plan, holy crap their launch was a mess.

First of all it was meant to launch yesterday, so we all assumed it would go live @ 12am on the 7th. I do my grocery shop on the Sunday so thought I could read all about it and then decide what I was doing foodwise, but it didn't launch. Turns out it launched @ 12.01am on the 8th. Okay - that's not the 7th Weight Watchers so get your dates right!

Secondly, I logged in this morning when I got to work for a sneaky peak at the new website and was immediately bombarded with the intro and lots of questions. I wasn't meant to be online at that time so I had to close the site down and I've not been able to get the same pages back up, so have no idea what I missed! And finally there's not one place on the site that seems to have any sort of useful FAQ. I am basically going to have to trawl through the site tonight to get some info. I'm staying on the Discover plan til at least next WI anyway, and if not maybe the one after that. I will report more when I know it myself!

Wait...whaaaa?

So I went to weigh in this morning and told the Leader that I thought I would be a gain as I'd had a terrible week. I'd heard her give someone up the line a bit of a telling off for putting on and I wasn't in the mood, so I thought I'd preempt it and tell her upfront that I'd been off plan but was back on the right page now and she was fine...then I stepped on the scales and had dropped 2lbs. 2lbs! WTF?!?! i have NO idea how that happened, but I'll take it! I just have to be careful that it doesn't catch up with me this week. Phew!

24 ta life....

I've been on WW now for 24 weeks and I can easily say this is the worst week I've had "on plan". The reason I'm putting "on plan" in speech marks is because I can't actually say I've been on plan this week. In fact, I have most definitely been off plan this week and kidding myself that I have been anything else.

I don't know what the problem has been this week. Saturdays, I always have a points free day. I eat what I like and I don't worry about it. Especially now as I've found that what I eat has drastically reduced in size from what I ate before. But I think it all kicked off this Saturday.

I went out for lunch as normal, and left most of my lunch because I was just so full. I can't remember what I ate for dinner, but I drank that night and had some "munchies" a;ong with it.

Sunday I was lying in bed thinking "I could really go something tasty and stodgy for breakfast...toast with loads of butter, roll on sausage...all washed down with a delicious capuccinno" and just then my friend texted me to see if I wanted to go out for lunch (yes, I was still in bed at lunchtime). I wasn't going to go, but the lure of the capuccinno was too much so I quickly jumped out of bed, showered and got ready to go out. I knew where we were going and my pre-WW usual there was a massive cheese toastie with vegetable soup. I'll just get the vegetable soup I told myself. Vegetable soup and a capuccinno. Or toast and a capuccinno. But when I got there I ordered my old faithful - the huge cheese toastie, with the soup. And when they brought the soup they brough an additional extra that I never used to get - crusty bread with real butter. I wasn't going to eat it. But I did.

I went the rest of Sunday not having much, but then decided to have a drink at night. I can't remember (not coz I was drunk but coz I wasn't counting points) if I had anything to munch with it.

From there on in the week has just spiralled - chocolate biscuits, rolls on sausage, full fat crisps, burgers, cheese. It's all just gone wrong. I can't believe I've let myself do this. I don't know why I did it. And it's pissing me off that I did do it!

I'm sure this week of overindulgence will lead to a gain on the scales tomorrow, and I have no one to blame but myself. I just hope its not too much, but as I sit here with two (yes, TWO) burgers and a lemon sweetie bar in my belly, I'm not holding out much hope.

We'll see how I get on in ten hours.

Thoughts on looks and self image...

Most people I know or read about want to lose weight to help with their looks. Sure some of them will want to do it for health reasons but 9 out of 10 times (in my experience) it's to look good/fit into nice clothes/be sexy/get a partner. It's superficial but it's true. I've never considered myself to be superficial, but I am.

One of the reasons I went so long without trying to lose weight is because I felt like it didn't matter how much weight I'd lose, I'd still look like me. And I'm ugly.

The feeling that I am ugly has plagued me my whole life. I've never been popular, I've never really "got on" in life and in the back of my mind I've always felt like it was because I wasn't pretty/attractive/sexy. Note: I know this (probably) isn't true, it's probably to do with my lack of confidence than anything else, but I still feel that way in the back of my mind and I just can't shake it and don't know it I ever will.

As a little girl I never felt as pretty as the other girls in the class. I can't remember anyone ever telling me I looked pretty or cute (even in my family). I think the best I may have got was "nice" and it wasn't usually me they used the term about, it was "that's a nice dress" or "your hair looks nicer that way". It was never "you look really nice today".

When I got to high school I felt even worse. I was slim in both primary and high school but in high school but I was ugly, and people told me. Ugly hair, ugly freckles, ugly clothes. Then when I tried to fit in I just got laughed at for wanting to be accepted.

I left high school as soon as I could and went into full time working, but it was basically the same. Always the loner, always on the outside. Always the "weirdo" as my friends so lovingly referred to me ("Gasp! You like heavy metal - YOU WEIRDO! Gasp! You like reading - YOU WEIRDO! Gasp! You don't like boybands - YOU WEIRDO! Gasp! You're interested in politics - YOU WEIRDO!". I didn't even mind the weirdo tag so much back then but now it irritates me when I think about it.

My whole career I've felt like because I look ugly/weird I not got on as well as I could've. I don't 'look' like the person you'd give that job to. The problem is that's when the bitch in me comes out. I'll see people who I consider unattractive in a great job and think "how did he/she get that job?" - nothing to do with their experience or qualifications. It's their looks.

When I go to the gym, the instructors are all chatty chatty with the other people and they're just "professional friendly" with me. In my head, it's coz they're thinking "why the hell is this fat ugly chick even bothering?!" but in reality it's because other people are friendly and chatty back whereas I'm cold and guarded.

I know in reality it's ridiculous. But I still have these hang ups. And I want to get over them, but I don't know how.

I'm 31 years old and I pour over the Blogger and Flickr every day, saving pictures of people I want to look like, want to dress like, want to be shaped like. I'm thirty-fuckin'-one years old and I still aspire to be like other people! By this point in my life I should be ME! I should know who I am, know my style, be confident but I'm not. I'm still that little girl who feels ugly compared to all her classmates.

This post has been really hard for me to write. I hear people who say out loud "I'm ugly, I look awful" and all I can think is "STFU you attention seeker! If you really, REALLY felt that way you could never vocalise it. You could never tell other people. Because it hurts. It hurts and the reactions of people just make you feel worse". Regardless of whether people would seem genuinely shocked you feel that way or whether they would sort of stutter and give you a compliment, it would never make me feel better to tell someone. And I never have. And the only reason I can do it here is because it doesn't feel like anyone is reading/listening. And I don't know if anyone is. And if anyone is, I'm not looking for reassurance. You can't give me any reassurance.

The reason I am writing this post is because right now I feel VERY ugly. Its effecting almost everything I do just now. My hair is thin and hangs in bits. When I pull it back theres balding areas. My skin looks horrid, its either too shiny or too matte. It always looks dirty from my freckles. I try to take care of myself - put make up on, paint my nails, but I always feel I look like a kiddy who's been playing in Mama's make up box. In summary - I feel shit right now. Which is why I react so hard when people assume I feel awesome because of my weight loss. I don't feel awesome. I feel ugly. Uglier in fact, just slimmer. And feeling like this makes me feel ugly on the inside too, because I know I've got it easy. I know some people have been in accidents or born with disabilities or whatever and that makes their life way harder than mine. And that makes me feel bad. I just want to get past this and get on with my life.