Most people I know or read about want to lose weight to help with their looks. Sure some of them will want to do it for health reasons but 9 out of 10 times (in my experience) it's to look good/fit into nice clothes/be sexy/get a partner. It's superficial but it's true. I've never considered myself to be superficial, but I am.
One of the reasons I went so long without trying to lose weight is because I felt like it didn't matter how much weight I'd lose, I'd still look like me. And I'm ugly.
The feeling that I am ugly has plagued me my whole life. I've never been popular, I've never really "got on" in life and in the back of my mind I've always felt like it was because I wasn't pretty/attractive/sexy. Note: I know this (probably) isn't true, it's probably to do with my lack of confidence than anything else, but I still feel that way in the back of my mind and I just can't shake it and don't know it I ever will.
As a little girl I never felt as pretty as the other girls in the class. I can't remember anyone ever telling me I looked pretty or cute (even in my family). I think the best I may have got was "nice" and it wasn't usually me they used the term about, it was "that's a nice dress" or "your hair looks nicer that way". It was never "you look really nice today".
When I got to high school I felt even worse. I was slim in both primary and high school but in high school but I was ugly, and people told me. Ugly hair, ugly freckles, ugly clothes. Then when I tried to fit in I just got laughed at for wanting to be accepted.
I left high school as soon as I could and went into full time working, but it was basically the same. Always the loner, always on the outside. Always the "weirdo" as my friends so lovingly referred to me ("Gasp! You like heavy metal - YOU WEIRDO! Gasp! You like reading - YOU WEIRDO! Gasp! You don't like boybands - YOU WEIRDO! Gasp! You're interested in politics - YOU WEIRDO!". I didn't even mind the weirdo tag so much back then but now it irritates me when I think about it.
My whole career I've felt like because I look ugly/weird I not got on as well as I could've. I don't 'look' like the person you'd give that job to. The problem is that's when the bitch in me comes out. I'll see people who I consider unattractive in a great job and think "how did he/she get that job?" - nothing to do with their experience or qualifications. It's their looks.
When I go to the gym, the instructors are all chatty chatty with the other people and they're just "professional friendly" with me. In my head, it's coz they're thinking "why the hell is this fat ugly chick even bothering?!" but in reality it's because other people are friendly and chatty back whereas I'm cold and guarded.
I know in reality it's ridiculous. But I still have these hang ups. And I want to get over them, but I don't know how.
I'm 31 years old and I pour over the Blogger and Flickr every day, saving pictures of people I want to look like, want to dress like, want to be shaped like. I'm thirty-fuckin'-one years old and I still aspire to be like other people! By this point in my life I should be ME! I should know who I am, know my style, be confident but I'm not. I'm still that little girl who feels ugly compared to all her classmates.
This post has been really hard for me to write. I hear people who say out loud "I'm ugly, I look awful" and all I can think is "STFU you attention seeker! If you really, REALLY felt that way you could never vocalise it. You could never tell other people. Because it hurts. It hurts and the reactions of people just make you feel worse". Regardless of whether people would seem genuinely shocked you feel that way or whether they would sort of stutter and give you a compliment, it would never make me feel better to tell someone. And I never have. And the only reason I can do it here is because it doesn't feel like anyone is reading/listening. And I don't know if anyone is. And if anyone is, I'm not looking for reassurance. You can't give me any reassurance.
The reason I am writing this post is because right now I feel VERY ugly. Its effecting almost everything I do just now. My hair is thin and hangs in bits. When I pull it back theres balding areas. My skin looks horrid, its either too shiny or too matte. It always looks dirty from my freckles. I try to take care of myself - put make up on, paint my nails, but I always feel I look like a kiddy who's been playing in Mama's make up box. In summary - I feel shit right now. Which is why I react so hard when people assume I feel awesome because of my weight loss. I don't feel awesome. I feel ugly. Uglier in fact, just slimmer. And feeling like this makes me feel ugly on the inside too, because I know I've got it easy. I know some people have been in accidents or born with disabilities or whatever and that makes their life way harder than mine. And that makes me feel bad. I just want to get past this and get on with my life.
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