Goodbye 2010, Hello 2011

I've never really been one for new year resolutions. Sometimes I'd plan to make some, then just not bother or I'd make some but never stick to them. I definitely never made them public. It was always the same - lose weight, try something new, blah blah blah. Whatevs.

But this year it's different. This year I've done something, and I want to keep doing things.

I've been inspired by everyone doing their 'Year in Review' posts but when I thought about it, I don't have much to review. I joined Weight Watchers on 10th May 2010 and since joining, I've lost 40.5lbs as of my last weigh in. This is my greatest achievement this year, and to be honest, probably the greatest achievement of my life. I've never done anything else and stuck to it and been successful, and while I'm having a little wobble just now, I know it won't last and I know I will get back on the wagon. But as far as how I've achieved it, I can't really say. Which isn't very helpful! I started this blog so I could look back on what I've done and how I've changed but I've not really changed. Even on Weight Watchers, what I ate didn't really change, just the amounts of it and I don't really look any different. So I decided rather than doing a year in review, I'd do a 'what I want to achieve blog' so when it's this time next year, I can see exactly how far I've come.

So here goes!

Set my goal weight: this is the first thing I want to do. For my height, I can choose anything between 7st 8lbs (106lbs) and 9st 6lbs (132lbs). I'm currently 11st 8lbs (162lbs) so this means I have to lose a minimum of 2st 2lbs (30lbs) and a maximum of 4st (56lbs). I'm not sure how to do it. Whether to try for the top end of the ultimate goal and see how I feel, to aim for straight in the middle of the two or something else altogether. When I was slim I never weighed myself, so I have no idea what weight I was the last time I was a healthy weight. I will take the advice of my Leader, and other WW members when setting this.
Get to, or be very close to, goal weight: I think regardless of which ultimate goal weight I set, it would be possible for me to get there within the year, however I don't want to lose weight too quickly. I know people who've lost lots of weight very quickly and either put it back on (and more) just as quickly, or looked terrible when they dropped the weight due to that whole loose skin/clapped in cheeks look. I don't want either of those things to happen to me so depending on which goal I set, I may want to be there by 31st December 2011 but as long as I am making good headway I am happy. I will reevaluate this mid year.
Get my 5 a day: Like I've said before, I haven't changed my eating habits much since starting WW, and I am hugely guilty of not eating enough fruit or veg. I've been the same my whole life - no green stuff on my plate, it's horrid! - but it's taken me to get to age 31 to realise how damn tasty that green stuff actually is. The great thing about ProPoints is its going to force me to eat more fruit and veg and so I need to be more open about trying new things, and also get some good healthy veggie recipes!
Get fit(ter!): I've been going to the gym now for 18 months, but I still wouldn't describe myself as fit, and I don't think of myself as an exerciser or a gym bunny. It's not a part of my life that I just do it's something I have to think about, plan and put effort into. I don't want it to be like that, I want it to be something that comes naturally to me. I know everyone has "can't be bothered" days, but although I do enjoy exercise, I always feel like I have to push myself to do it. Plus I don't feel like I have make the progress in classes I should make - I still can't keep up with the class in certain exercises, and I haven't increased my weights the whole time I've been there. So I want exercise to become a part of me and I want to see progress in my exercise. I will do this by making sure I go to the gym at least three times a week, and hopefully by increasing this by the end of the year. Also by making healthier choices in general - walking instead of taking the bus, getting up and speaking to someone in the office rather than calling/emailing them, taking the stairs instead of the escalator etc..
Try something new: I'm stuck in a bit of an exercise rut just now. I used to do 3/4 classes a week - step, toning and body pump. This dropped down to 3 a week - step twice and toning, but then I hurt my foot and changed to working out on the machines in the gym, and when it got better went back to the same classes. Although I really liked the gym when I was there, I can't get back into it. I've had my routine changed a few times, but it's just not happening for me. So I'd like to try something new. There are new classes at the gym, which I want to get down to and I'd like to try some outdoor forms of exercise too.
Dropping dress sizes by mid year: For all the weight I've dropped, coz I'm such a short arse I've only dropped one dress size (gone from a UK 20 to an 18). This is the one thing I've found really frustrating about my journey. I wish I was getting smaller quicker. People are now telling me that they can really see the weight coming off, but I can't so I'm hoping this will kick in soon.
Record my measurements monthly: I started taking my measurements at some point this year, but never followed it up. So I plan on taking my measurements on the 1st of every month to chart the inches I am (hopefully) losng so even if I am not dropping dress sizes I am seeing some progress and this should spur me on to keep it up.

I am a naturally pessimistic (sometimes downright negative!) person, and I have to say, I'm actually looking forward to putting all of the above into practice and ticking off these boxes when I'm done!

Come on, 2011! xo

The Bell Jar

(I have such a problem with these things...they will NOT be getting into my house in 2011!)

I've just been sitting on the Weight Watchers message boards. Something I used to find invaluable and visited at least twice a day, sometimes for many hours. Posting questions, looking for advice, helping people out with their questions, encouraging people and being encouraged. I've not done it in a long time, and today I realised why. The message boards used to be such a positive and uplifting environment. Everyone was happy when you lost weight, quick to offer support and advice if you weren't, cheering people up who were down, and sharing their tips and tricks to make the plan work for them. In the weeks leading up to ProPoints being launched, the message boards changed - for the worse.

They now seem to be a hotbed of moaning and negativity. Before the plan was launched it was the same question about it a hundred times a day, with the same answer of no one knows, it's all speculation etc.. Now that it's been launched, not many people seem to like the new plan and those that do seem to get shot down in flames when they post about it or bring up the negative atmosphere on the boards. I stopped going on the boards just as ProPoints was launched, and that was around the time when I stopped following the plan.

Looking back, I now realise what a huge source of support and inspiration the message boards were for me, so I have ventured back onto them today. I've not been great these past few weeks and although I lost 2.5lbs at my last weigh in, I am pretty sure I will have put that back on, and more.

There is still a lot of negativity on the board, and it doesn't have the same community/comaradary feel to it that it had before but it is getting there. I've decided I am going to stick with it and I even posted there today, for the first time in a long time. I just need to put myself in the 'bell jar' and not let the negative posts get into my brain.

It's the second last day of the year and I've felt shit this past week. Lack of exercise, too much food. All the usual for this time of year. I am trying not to beat myself up about it. Tomorrow, I will be drinking alcohol and then on Saturday I'll be having a big family dinner. However my gym is open and if the weather is good (well, passable!) I am going to make a point of going on Sunday. I don't normally work out on a Sunday, but I really want to get back into it. I've missed the gym and it's not just been because of Christmas I've not been able to go it's because of this damn weather as well. So hopefully, if the pavements are gritted, I'll get a workout squeezed in on Sunday and I'll be back on course for the rest of the week (and the rest of the YEAR!).

They are starting some new classes at the gym next week and I am so excited about this - I really like the classes we have now, but you know what? It's a cliche, but it's a good one - new year, new start. New classes are going to be fun and challenging, and that is just what I am looking for!

Early resolutions

I've decided that by 1st January, I'm going to decide what my goal weight is, and when I want to be there by.

That is all :)

Oh hai!

Well I have been MIA for a wee while and to be honest it's just been complete laziness! I have obviously been busy due to the time of year, but for some reason at the moment I am completely shattered all the time, even when I get a great sleep! Probably this shitty snow we can't get rid of, grrr.

So as far as weigh ins are concerned, the WI I had after my skipped week was a gain. I'd put on a pound. I felt pretty deflated, but my Leader was very encouraging. She just said that at this time of year you should try and maintain or limit the damage rather than aiming to lose. And this made me feel better (although it didn't really apply to me because I'd had no nights out or fancy dinners up to that point haha!). That week was another first though - I lied about my WI to my fiance.

I don't know why I did it. Well, I do, I didn't want to disappoint him and I couldn't be arsed with him moaning about it. I know he's just trying to be helpful but sometimes the things he says just aren't helpful! So I lied and said I STS but gave him the same line that the Leader gave me about maintaining etc. I felt bad about this - I'm not a liar. I hate lying even about small things - I'm a terrible liar and I panic and get the sweats when I have to say something that isn't true, even if it's to spare someone elses feelings etc.. I suppose being a bad liar is a good thing, but I got caught out anyway as my WI card got wet and I had to dry it out and when he was putting it back into the drawer for me he saw the gain >gulp<. He was fine though and I just told him I didn't plan on carrying that extra pound around for long so there was no point in stressing about it!

And it turns out I was right - when I went to WI on Saturday, I lost a whole 2.5lbs! 2.5lbs!!! I couldn't believe it! This now puts me at over 20% weight lost from my starting weight, and I'm only 1.5lbs away from losing 3 stone (although I am finding it frustrating that I have been close to hitting this milestone for about 2 months, grr!). But a thought crossed my mind as I was heading home - I am only 80% of the person I was seven months ago!

This gave me such a boost. Although I had pretty much stuck to plan (without tracking *slaps hand*) all week I'd been out for lunch on the Friday (my one and only Christmas outing...nowt like being popular, ha!) and I'd had pizza and pudding for lunch and then pasta (WW friendly) at teatime. I fully expected to have put on or STS and I was fine with that so when I stepped on those scales and had dropped 2.5lbs I could not believe it. I was so happy. I am putting it down to finally being able to get back to the gym - because we've been snowed into the house or snowed out of the town I've not been able to get to the gym for a few weeks and it felt so good to get back.

This week I have been all right but not great. Again I am eating my usual, but I've not been tracking. If you look back before I found tracking imperative and I said that if you do one thing on WW, then track! And I've not done it for weeks. I've decided to just carry on as is just now, but from 1st January (when I will probably be out for a big meal) that I WILL TRACK! As far as food goes though, I've been okay but unfortunately it would seem that I've got my taste for pizza back (the only thing I've not been able to find a good WW friendly equivalent for) and I had another pizza this week. Also because I've been a) out and about and b) extremely crabby this week I've been having lots of milky coffees (milky coffees to me are what cigarettes are to smokers). Unfortunately living in a shitty backwater like I do the coffee shops we have aren't overly familiar with "fancy" options like decaf and skinny, but from what I saw it was semi skimmed so the damage is limited. I've only made it to the gym once but it was a great workout and holy moly I have been doing some amount of walking whens shopping (and walking in snow, which I always think is a great thigh and bum work out!) so I'm hoping that will pay off.

I don't weigh in now til 8th January now, and that's quite a scary thought. Will I go off the rails and think I have loads of time to pull it back? Who knows, but I will try my best not to. I've made sure to stock up on loads of low fat stuff for when I'm off work (this week and some of next) and I don't have anything huge coming up - drinks and dinner tonight, but it's soup and roast chicken (no skin!) for dinner and yeah there will be alcohol but hey, that's easy to burn off, right? Hahaha. Then the day itself where I'm sorry but I don't think any of us should watch what we eat. It's one day - if you want to make healthier versions of stuff, then great, but I am going to my fiance's Mum's house who will be making a delicious turkey with all the trimmings and I plan on enjoying it with NO GUILT!

Again, I am definitely not down with the ProPoints and I really, really feel like I need to get into it or I'm going to lose it altogether. Again, I plan to do it starting 1st January (when else is better for a fresh start!). I think I will do a New Year Resolutions post next week, and I also plan on doing 'A Beginners Guide to the Gym' post as well.

One thing I would like to say, is being not very computer savvy, I didn't notice anyone had commented on my posts (I thought you got an email, like on Facebook or Twitter, d'oh!) so I'd just like to thank everyone for their comments and say I will definitely be checking for comments from now on!

I doubt I'll be posting before Christmas (although I might, you never know!) so I will say I hope everyone has a lovely (and guilt free!) Christmas and if you don't celebrate Christmas then I hope you have an awesome time if you have some time off work!

xoxo

Friday night thoughts III

Well I didn't go to weigh in last week. Officially I slept in, but unofficially I think it was my subconscious just telling me not to go. I set my alarm and woke up and lay in bed for a few minutes, planning to get up and go but the thought of it was awful - I didn't know where my weigh in card was (the new one I got after losing my last one, which if I am honest, I loved - it had everything I'd achieved on there, and it's gone and I don't know where it is) and we'd had bucketloads of snow overnight. I turned round to set the snooze on my alarm, but I don't know if I set it and slept through it or if I just didn't set it properly. Either way, I woke up 45 minutes after my class started so there was no point in even trying to get there.

I thought I would feel guilty. Never before have I toyed with the idea of not going - even when I've known I was going to have a gain. I feel that it's just as, if not, more important to go when you're doing badly as it is when you're doing well. But I didn't feel guilty. Initially, I felt relieved. It felt good to have had a lie in and I went about the rest of the day as normal. I wasn't hung up on it at all, but as I look back over the week it's set the tone for being lazy and missing stuff "accidently on purpose" the whole week.

I've not tracked at all this week, and have pretty much just eaten what I've wanted. I've not gone wild but I've not been conservative either. I've had SO much chocolate, which isn't something that would normally interest me much and I've drank most of the week as well. Because the weather has been so crap, I've literally felt like I needed food to "stick to my bones" (ridic, it's hardly like I'm wasting away!) and I've eaten burgers, chips, pasta, toast, cheese. I've filled myself up on milky coffees with sugar, and if I'm honest I've loved every minute of it.

I am SO pissed off with myself. When I started Weight Watchers I took to it so easily and got on really well with it. I never felt denied anything, I never felt hungry, I never felt like I was on a diet. I couldn't believe how easy I found it. I'd read people on the WW website and hear people talking about how they'd fallen off the wagon, or were struggling with it and I couldn't understand it at all. Why were they having this problem? If a big fatty like me who munched continually couldn manage it why couldn't they? I wasn't being judgmental but it scared me that people could be doing it for so long, having amazing results and still fall off the wagon. I waneted to understand WHY it happened to people, and now I'm here living it, and I don't understand it myself.

I'm going to go to weigh in tomorrow (hah, without my weigh in card! The embarrasment!) and just take whatever it has to throw at me. And I'll be honest, I'm scared. Not worried, not nervous - SCARED. I'm scared that this is it, I'm scared I'm going back to my own ways. I'm scared of a gain in case I feel upset, but I'm scared of a loss in case I think I can get away with this sort of shit. I'll just need to take it as it comes.

My plan is once I've been to WI, that I will come out with a renewed focus. I will track, I will follow the ProPoints plan (I've not even really attempted it yet) and I NEED to get back to the gym. I haven't been in over two weeks as I was doing some intense study and then this fucking weather started! The weather is forecast to keep up so even if I can't get to the gym, I need to exercise in the house. I can't let this beat me. I need to get back to where I was before and I need to tell myself I CAN DO THIS.

Tomorrow may be a first...

....it's 1am. I can't find my weigh in book AGAIN (after getting a new one last week after losing my beloved first one) and I'm tired as shit. I'm so done. So tomorrow might be a first. It might be defeat. I might skip my weigh in for the first time ever. The first time in my 31 week journey.

Watch this space...