In the Elevens

image via wikimedia.org

So this weeks post is all about numbers 1, 7 and 11. 1 because I lost 1lb this week, which gained me my 5th 'Silver 7' and it has taken me into the 11 stone bracket (albeit the high end - 11 stone 13.5lbs, but it's still the elevens!).

I've not really been struggling much with WW recently but I've not exactly been setting the world on fire with it either. I've just been plodding along but being in the elevens now has given me such an uplift. I honestly can't remember the last time I weighed 11 stone anything, and being that I started out at 14st 6.5lbs it just feels like a huge achievement for me. I can also now see the end in sight. I haven't decided on a goal weight yet, but all of a sudden whatever that goal weight is just seems so much more achievable. I think it's probably time to give some serious consideration to my goal weight so I might mention it at next week's meeting.

I also want to now try and change the way I eat. Since starting WW I still eat the same processed crap I've always eaten, just less of it, or low fat versions (which usually mean high salt versions). I now want to try and eat more unprocessed food and drastically up the amount of fruit and veg I eat (I can shamefully say there are days go by when I eat no fruit or veg, or maybe only manage a small portion). I'll be honest and say this is down to laziness. It's easier for me to just stick something in the oven, or eat a packet of crisps rather than peel an orange. Tomorrow before I go food shopping I'm going to plan out my food for the week and try and eat as fresh food as possible.

I'm back at the gym and only made it up twice this week (dramarama on Friday prevented me from going, but I'm definitely going to try and get up at least 3 times this week as I'm off work for a couple of days so no excuse!). I'm going to blog a bit about how I got into exercising and why I enjoy it.

In other news, it's official - Weight Watchers are launching a new plan in the UK on 7th November. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I'm not closed to the idea, but I like counting points, I like knowing how this system works and I can see the results so I feel like it will take a lot of convincing to make me want to switch to something else! I will see how it is but plan to buy a points calculator on eBay so that I can continue to use the Discover Plan if I don't like the new one. My guess it might be more like the US plan, which is fine with me as I think it's actually healthier and it also means I can use all the US recipes - yay!

Finally, the Christmas party dress season is upon us. I need two dresses this year and a more casual outfit so I need bargains since as usual I am skint! We'll see how I get on now that dropping a dress size has opened a few more shops to me.

xo
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EDIT: I also realised just after posting this I've done my 15% loss now too (15% of my original starting weight) - it totally passed me by!

Wait...whaaaa?

So I went to weigh in this morning and told the Leader that I thought I would be a gain as I'd had a terrible week. I'd heard her give someone up the line a bit of a telling off for putting on and I wasn't in the mood, so I thought I'd preempt it and tell her upfront that I'd been off plan but was back on the right page now and she was fine...then I stepped on the scales and had dropped 2lbs. 2lbs! WTF?!?! i have NO idea how that happened, but I'll take it! I just have to be careful that it doesn't catch up with me this week. Phew!

24 ta life....

I've been on WW now for 24 weeks and I can easily say this is the worst week I've had "on plan". The reason I'm putting "on plan" in speech marks is because I can't actually say I've been on plan this week. In fact, I have most definitely been off plan this week and kidding myself that I have been anything else.

I don't know what the problem has been this week. Saturdays, I always have a points free day. I eat what I like and I don't worry about it. Especially now as I've found that what I eat has drastically reduced in size from what I ate before. But I think it all kicked off this Saturday.

I went out for lunch as normal, and left most of my lunch because I was just so full. I can't remember what I ate for dinner, but I drank that night and had some "munchies" a;ong with it.

Sunday I was lying in bed thinking "I could really go something tasty and stodgy for breakfast...toast with loads of butter, roll on sausage...all washed down with a delicious capuccinno" and just then my friend texted me to see if I wanted to go out for lunch (yes, I was still in bed at lunchtime). I wasn't going to go, but the lure of the capuccinno was too much so I quickly jumped out of bed, showered and got ready to go out. I knew where we were going and my pre-WW usual there was a massive cheese toastie with vegetable soup. I'll just get the vegetable soup I told myself. Vegetable soup and a capuccinno. Or toast and a capuccinno. But when I got there I ordered my old faithful - the huge cheese toastie, with the soup. And when they brought the soup they brough an additional extra that I never used to get - crusty bread with real butter. I wasn't going to eat it. But I did.

I went the rest of Sunday not having much, but then decided to have a drink at night. I can't remember (not coz I was drunk but coz I wasn't counting points) if I had anything to munch with it.

From there on in the week has just spiralled - chocolate biscuits, rolls on sausage, full fat crisps, burgers, cheese. It's all just gone wrong. I can't believe I've let myself do this. I don't know why I did it. And it's pissing me off that I did do it!

I'm sure this week of overindulgence will lead to a gain on the scales tomorrow, and I have no one to blame but myself. I just hope its not too much, but as I sit here with two (yes, TWO) burgers and a lemon sweetie bar in my belly, I'm not holding out much hope.

We'll see how I get on in ten hours.

Vital Statistics

image via weheartit


I have been thinking about taking my measurements for a while. When I first started WW I thought about it, but decided against it because I was worried that it wouldn't change and I'd get discouraged and come off plan. Now I feel like I've been on the plan long enough to not let that bother me. I know in my head that they won't move quickly, and I am prepared for that. So here we go:

Upper arm (AKA 'bingo wings'): 11.5"
Forearm (just below elbow): just over 9"
Around boobs (with bra on): 44.5"
Underboobs: 37.5"
Waist: just under 43"
Hips: 41"
Thigh: 22.5"
Calf: 15.25"
Ankle: 9.5"
Dress Size: 18/20

My main issues arm my upper arms and my waist. My waist is bigger than my hips - WTF! I am officially the same shape as a pregnant lady. Which, hey, is fine if you're a pregnant lady. I think pregnant ladies look great, but I'M NOT PREGNANT so it ain't the best look for me. And it's also very embarrassing when people do think you're pregnant (trust me, it's happened...awkward!). Plus the fact that my waist isn't a kick in the arse off 4 feet round which is shocking considering I'm only 5 feet tall. Although it does explain why I seem to spend my life pulling my trousers up.

I'm going to take my measurements monthly as I don't think there'll be a huge difference week to week.

In weight related news, I STS this week. I was a little disappointed with this as I am now properly back to gym and I thought I'd maybe up my loss to a pound this week (rather than the bloody 0.5lb I've been losing) but obviously not. I'll see how I get on this week before considering my next move.

This week

This week I am making a promise to myself to:

- track accurately all week
- stick to points, that is not going over but not going under either
- get to the gym at least 3 times this week
- to do something "active" (eg long walk) on the days I don't make the gym
- try to up my fruit and veg intake
- aim to lessen my reliance on convenience/processed foods because it's easier than thinking about what I'm going to eat
- (non WW related) stick to my study schedule

Let's see how it goes

Thoughts on looks and self image...

Most people I know or read about want to lose weight to help with their looks. Sure some of them will want to do it for health reasons but 9 out of 10 times (in my experience) it's to look good/fit into nice clothes/be sexy/get a partner. It's superficial but it's true. I've never considered myself to be superficial, but I am.

One of the reasons I went so long without trying to lose weight is because I felt like it didn't matter how much weight I'd lose, I'd still look like me. And I'm ugly.

The feeling that I am ugly has plagued me my whole life. I've never been popular, I've never really "got on" in life and in the back of my mind I've always felt like it was because I wasn't pretty/attractive/sexy. Note: I know this (probably) isn't true, it's probably to do with my lack of confidence than anything else, but I still feel that way in the back of my mind and I just can't shake it and don't know it I ever will.

As a little girl I never felt as pretty as the other girls in the class. I can't remember anyone ever telling me I looked pretty or cute (even in my family). I think the best I may have got was "nice" and it wasn't usually me they used the term about, it was "that's a nice dress" or "your hair looks nicer that way". It was never "you look really nice today".

When I got to high school I felt even worse. I was slim in both primary and high school but in high school but I was ugly, and people told me. Ugly hair, ugly freckles, ugly clothes. Then when I tried to fit in I just got laughed at for wanting to be accepted.

I left high school as soon as I could and went into full time working, but it was basically the same. Always the loner, always on the outside. Always the "weirdo" as my friends so lovingly referred to me ("Gasp! You like heavy metal - YOU WEIRDO! Gasp! You like reading - YOU WEIRDO! Gasp! You don't like boybands - YOU WEIRDO! Gasp! You're interested in politics - YOU WEIRDO!". I didn't even mind the weirdo tag so much back then but now it irritates me when I think about it.

My whole career I've felt like because I look ugly/weird I not got on as well as I could've. I don't 'look' like the person you'd give that job to. The problem is that's when the bitch in me comes out. I'll see people who I consider unattractive in a great job and think "how did he/she get that job?" - nothing to do with their experience or qualifications. It's their looks.

When I go to the gym, the instructors are all chatty chatty with the other people and they're just "professional friendly" with me. In my head, it's coz they're thinking "why the hell is this fat ugly chick even bothering?!" but in reality it's because other people are friendly and chatty back whereas I'm cold and guarded.

I know in reality it's ridiculous. But I still have these hang ups. And I want to get over them, but I don't know how.

I'm 31 years old and I pour over the Blogger and Flickr every day, saving pictures of people I want to look like, want to dress like, want to be shaped like. I'm thirty-fuckin'-one years old and I still aspire to be like other people! By this point in my life I should be ME! I should know who I am, know my style, be confident but I'm not. I'm still that little girl who feels ugly compared to all her classmates.

This post has been really hard for me to write. I hear people who say out loud "I'm ugly, I look awful" and all I can think is "STFU you attention seeker! If you really, REALLY felt that way you could never vocalise it. You could never tell other people. Because it hurts. It hurts and the reactions of people just make you feel worse". Regardless of whether people would seem genuinely shocked you feel that way or whether they would sort of stutter and give you a compliment, it would never make me feel better to tell someone. And I never have. And the only reason I can do it here is because it doesn't feel like anyone is reading/listening. And I don't know if anyone is. And if anyone is, I'm not looking for reassurance. You can't give me any reassurance.

The reason I am writing this post is because right now I feel VERY ugly. Its effecting almost everything I do just now. My hair is thin and hangs in bits. When I pull it back theres balding areas. My skin looks horrid, its either too shiny or too matte. It always looks dirty from my freckles. I try to take care of myself - put make up on, paint my nails, but I always feel I look like a kiddy who's been playing in Mama's make up box. In summary - I feel shit right now. Which is why I react so hard when people assume I feel awesome because of my weight loss. I don't feel awesome. I feel ugly. Uglier in fact, just slimmer. And feeling like this makes me feel ugly on the inside too, because I know I've got it easy. I know some people have been in accidents or born with disabilities or whatever and that makes their life way harder than mine. And that makes me feel bad. I just want to get past this and get on with my life.