Hmph

So I thought the heavy feeling that was weighing me down was sadness. Turns out it wasn't. Turns out it was FAT. Three additional pounds of fat! I am so pissed off, confused and unhappy. I've never gained 3lbs in one week before (I did once, but I'd drank a ridiculous amount of water that day, not peed before weigh in and weighed in at night after 3 meals and not first thing. I also lost that 3lbs, and more, by the time I weighed back in normally four days later).

I said I wouldn't be surprised with a gain this week, but I meant 1lb max. I didn't overeat. I ate out, but felt I made good choices (Lentil soup, roast chicken no skin and a baked potato). I just don't understand it.

I'm just fed up in general at the moment and this hasn't helped. It's wiped out the last two weeks losses and my mini goals. I could actually cry, I'm so sad and angry and annoyed. Grrr.

Quick update...

Another 1.5lb off this week (on Sat), which I was really pleased with. I have definitely turned a corner now I feel and I'm so happy to be back on track.

I don't expect such a good result this week - it's been a bit of a mare. Multiple eating out and trying to make the right choices but it's hard when you're a) as fussy as me and b) have such a shitty selection of healthy foods locally. I've also missed the gym a couple of times due to appointments (dentist etc).

On a more positive note, I had a breakthrough in the gym this week. I am still going to spin class but I find it so hard to keep standing up. I can only manage maybe 30 seconds max. I never found it comfortable - I'd either find it really painful in my thighs and couldn't push through, or it would hurt my calves or my ankles. I did stand up but just couldn't push through.

Well this week I had an absolutely shit day at work and felt miserable. I just wanted to come home and hibernate. I also felt really icky. Really nauseous and dizzy and just not 100%. I wasn't going to go. Right up til five minutes before I had to leave I wasn't going, but I did. Even when I got up there I thought "oh I could just go home before class starts" but I didn't - I went to class and ten minutes into it something unexpected happened - I felt amazing! I couldn't believe it. I had so much energy, all the sickness and dizziness just disappeared. I pedalled by little heart out! And then when it came to standing up, I did the whole time for two whole songs. I've never even been close to that before. I didn't manage the whole way through all of the standing up parts, but I stood up on all of them and I managed the whole time and the two longest parts.

One of the songs is super cheesy, I can't even remember the words but it's one of these 'reach for the top, keep going, don't give up' kinda dance numbers and I normally laugh (internally!) at it but I fully embraced the cheesiness this time! I reached for the top! I kept going! I didn't give up! I really couldn't believe I'd managed it, and I didn't even really struggle. It was hard but I didn't struggle or feel like sitting down, I just wanted to keep going. I had to hold back the tears, because (I've never said this before) I was so proud of myself. It was such a great moment and I'd say one of the key experiences I've had so far on my weight loss journey. Now I just need to keep it up!

<3

Droppin' the pounds, droppin' the points

It's been a while since I've blogged. I keep sitting down to do it, but can't find the words. I don't feel anything positive or negative in particular, I think it's more just laziness (one of my worst traits!) and whenever I sit with the purpose of blogging nothing comes out.

Anyhoo, the last two weeks I am super pleased to say I have been back on track big time! I started back on the Discover plan (or "vintage points" as they now seem to be called, which I love) and I'm having far more success. I didn't go to weigh in the week before last, we had snow again and I didn't make it so I weighed myself in the house and I lost 2lbs (my scales were weighing me 0.5lb heavier than the WW scales last time I did this)! I was so pleased, and gutted I couldn't get to weigh in to get that little mark on my card! What was even better was that it brought me back down to 0.5lb to get my next Silver 7 - my 3 stone off mark. I feel like I've been waiting for this forever, but pretty much that I am to blame for it. Propoints didn't agree with me but I should've faced up to that much earlier. But, no time to dwell on what should've happened.

Last week, I pointed and tracked again all week, but I was terrified when I went to weigh in I wouldn't have lost the 0.5lb I needed to get to my mini goal (a mini goal I set back in October and only had 7.5lb to lose to get to). I'd done everything right but I was just so scared I'd get on those scales and it wouldn't happen for me. So I had a sneaky peek. I've never done this before and I won't again - my scales weighed me in at 11st 4lbs. That was a 3lb drop from the week before. I knew I hadn't lost that much so I didn't feel reassured at all!

I went along to WW (after briefly toying with the (silly) idea of not going in case I "failed"!) and stepped on the scales, practically sweating (TMI, sorry!) with fear and anticipation...and I dropped 1lb! I was SO happy! Takes me down to 11st 6lb and I got my super shiny little Silver 7! I could've leaped with joy!

So once again, it just goes to show TRACKING WORKS! There's no way to avoid it, when you start sneaking those little titbits in that's when it gets out of control. And I'm pleased to say, I am back in control :) The downside is dropping a point, but hey, it's worth it!

One thing I will say is for all the time I was on my self imposed plateau I maybe didn't lose any weight, but I did lose inches. I'm now a proper size 16. I can go into a shop and pick up a 16 and it'll fit. I put this down to keeping up with my exercise even when not on plan with WW. I made a point of always going and the last couple of weeks I've upped my classes to five a week.

I'm also now able to start dressing the way I want to dress (blog post coming up on this) and I've recently treated myself to the little goodies below! (If only I had this gal's figure!)





from Dorothy Perkins

I am hopeful that this is me now over the plateau and back on track for good. I have 2 stone to lose now (28lbs) to get to the highest "healthy weight" on the WW scale so I am aiming for that as my goal weight, and I will see how I feel when I get there. Because I am pretty short, I think I might feel like I want to lose a bit more.

My next mini goal is to get to 11st exactly, then I'm going to try running - one of my aims for the year. I still feel like I am too heavy just now and I've been having slight issues with my knee at the gym (even doing low impact stuff) so I need to keep an eye on it.

Oh, and after I said I hated spinning, I still don't love it but I am still going and I'm coming round to it...I did it twice last week!

I suck at blogging!

About as much as I suck at Weight Watchers just now!

I am DEFINITELY, DEFINITELY back on track this week though - I need to get a grip on this!

I'm still coasting away - one week I didn't weigh in, then I put on 0.5lb, then STS, then another 0.5lb (which is amazing considering I ate out 3 times this week and ate a full Dominos pizza (I couldn't manage that before I was on WW, but demolished one last night) as well as a starter from them. Gulp!). But I am going to get a handle on it this week. I am!

I plan to sit tonight and plan out my whole menu for the week and track ahead. Actually write it out so I know where my points are maxed and I know where I have wiggle room (I'm doing VP for a few weeks before giving PP another go). I also want to try and eat better (more fruit and veg) and eat cleverer (eat leftovers, as little as possible going in the bin).

I also want to get back into regular blogging so that when I am having a shit day I have an outlet rather than stuffing some Cadbury's down my neck to make it feel better, so I can identify any other triggers I have to either overeating or making bad food choices (I've already identified being pissed off and being bored and two huge triggers for me) and I also want to finally get my Inspiration #2 post up.

I have to say I have had a NSV this week. I've finally dropped another dress size (despite not having lost any real weight since October - I put this down to hitting the gym hard!) and I'm now a UK size 16 - so chuffed!

Have a good week everyone (and me!) xo

WI result...

...I only lost 1lb. It's the most disappointed I've ever been with a result (especially a loss!) but I was really, really hoping for the 2lb to hit my next milestone. I'm not gonna lie, I was gutted!

Anyhoo, now I'm not too bothered and it's given me the resolve to try harder this week, as well as trying to get focussed on losing weight again. I've been in the elevens since October because of my coasting since ProPoints was launched and over Christmas/New Year, so I definitely have a bit of motivation back!

Like Kylie says on the WW ad...

'Wowowowow!'

NEVER did I think I'd be so happy about a gain, but I am! After my Christmas/NY break, I went to my first weigh in today and have only gained half a pound! Half a freakin' pound! I can't believe it and I am SO happy with it! I have only really been on plan since Tuesday (and I mean on plan in the loosest sense of the word) so it really was a surprise. The thing is, over Christmas and NY yeah I ate more than I would normally and completely splurged a couple of days and didn't get to the gym, but when I think about it, I did stay active - I walked loads and in the snow which I think is harder than normal walking and I think although I focused on the times I was off plan, the majority of time I probably was on plan and just not tracking so was actually following it better than I thought I would.

I've definitely learned lessons for next Christmas/NY though - going to make sure I keep some sort of routine and TRACK!

I have 2lbs to lose til my next 'Silver 7' award, which will take me to a 3st loss, and I am planning to get this on Saturday. I won't be devastated if it doesn't happen, but I would like to try my best to stick to plan, stick to gym and finally get this 3st off!

Just now, I'm in the process of eating through some of M&S's Count on Us and Simply Fuller Longer ranges, and I'll review these once I'm done (won't take me long, haha). I did plan to try and eat less processed food this year, and it will happen but at the moment I'm not in the right mindset to try so I'm looking at good points friendly options just now.

The Bell Jar

(I have such a problem with these things...they will NOT be getting into my house in 2011!)

I've just been sitting on the Weight Watchers message boards. Something I used to find invaluable and visited at least twice a day, sometimes for many hours. Posting questions, looking for advice, helping people out with their questions, encouraging people and being encouraged. I've not done it in a long time, and today I realised why. The message boards used to be such a positive and uplifting environment. Everyone was happy when you lost weight, quick to offer support and advice if you weren't, cheering people up who were down, and sharing their tips and tricks to make the plan work for them. In the weeks leading up to ProPoints being launched, the message boards changed - for the worse.

They now seem to be a hotbed of moaning and negativity. Before the plan was launched it was the same question about it a hundred times a day, with the same answer of no one knows, it's all speculation etc.. Now that it's been launched, not many people seem to like the new plan and those that do seem to get shot down in flames when they post about it or bring up the negative atmosphere on the boards. I stopped going on the boards just as ProPoints was launched, and that was around the time when I stopped following the plan.

Looking back, I now realise what a huge source of support and inspiration the message boards were for me, so I have ventured back onto them today. I've not been great these past few weeks and although I lost 2.5lbs at my last weigh in, I am pretty sure I will have put that back on, and more.

There is still a lot of negativity on the board, and it doesn't have the same community/comaradary feel to it that it had before but it is getting there. I've decided I am going to stick with it and I even posted there today, for the first time in a long time. I just need to put myself in the 'bell jar' and not let the negative posts get into my brain.

It's the second last day of the year and I've felt shit this past week. Lack of exercise, too much food. All the usual for this time of year. I am trying not to beat myself up about it. Tomorrow, I will be drinking alcohol and then on Saturday I'll be having a big family dinner. However my gym is open and if the weather is good (well, passable!) I am going to make a point of going on Sunday. I don't normally work out on a Sunday, but I really want to get back into it. I've missed the gym and it's not just been because of Christmas I've not been able to go it's because of this damn weather as well. So hopefully, if the pavements are gritted, I'll get a workout squeezed in on Sunday and I'll be back on course for the rest of the week (and the rest of the YEAR!).

They are starting some new classes at the gym next week and I am so excited about this - I really like the classes we have now, but you know what? It's a cliche, but it's a good one - new year, new start. New classes are going to be fun and challenging, and that is just what I am looking for!

Oh hai!

Well I have been MIA for a wee while and to be honest it's just been complete laziness! I have obviously been busy due to the time of year, but for some reason at the moment I am completely shattered all the time, even when I get a great sleep! Probably this shitty snow we can't get rid of, grrr.

So as far as weigh ins are concerned, the WI I had after my skipped week was a gain. I'd put on a pound. I felt pretty deflated, but my Leader was very encouraging. She just said that at this time of year you should try and maintain or limit the damage rather than aiming to lose. And this made me feel better (although it didn't really apply to me because I'd had no nights out or fancy dinners up to that point haha!). That week was another first though - I lied about my WI to my fiance.

I don't know why I did it. Well, I do, I didn't want to disappoint him and I couldn't be arsed with him moaning about it. I know he's just trying to be helpful but sometimes the things he says just aren't helpful! So I lied and said I STS but gave him the same line that the Leader gave me about maintaining etc. I felt bad about this - I'm not a liar. I hate lying even about small things - I'm a terrible liar and I panic and get the sweats when I have to say something that isn't true, even if it's to spare someone elses feelings etc.. I suppose being a bad liar is a good thing, but I got caught out anyway as my WI card got wet and I had to dry it out and when he was putting it back into the drawer for me he saw the gain >gulp<. He was fine though and I just told him I didn't plan on carrying that extra pound around for long so there was no point in stressing about it!

And it turns out I was right - when I went to WI on Saturday, I lost a whole 2.5lbs! 2.5lbs!!! I couldn't believe it! This now puts me at over 20% weight lost from my starting weight, and I'm only 1.5lbs away from losing 3 stone (although I am finding it frustrating that I have been close to hitting this milestone for about 2 months, grr!). But a thought crossed my mind as I was heading home - I am only 80% of the person I was seven months ago!

This gave me such a boost. Although I had pretty much stuck to plan (without tracking *slaps hand*) all week I'd been out for lunch on the Friday (my one and only Christmas outing...nowt like being popular, ha!) and I'd had pizza and pudding for lunch and then pasta (WW friendly) at teatime. I fully expected to have put on or STS and I was fine with that so when I stepped on those scales and had dropped 2.5lbs I could not believe it. I was so happy. I am putting it down to finally being able to get back to the gym - because we've been snowed into the house or snowed out of the town I've not been able to get to the gym for a few weeks and it felt so good to get back.

This week I have been all right but not great. Again I am eating my usual, but I've not been tracking. If you look back before I found tracking imperative and I said that if you do one thing on WW, then track! And I've not done it for weeks. I've decided to just carry on as is just now, but from 1st January (when I will probably be out for a big meal) that I WILL TRACK! As far as food goes though, I've been okay but unfortunately it would seem that I've got my taste for pizza back (the only thing I've not been able to find a good WW friendly equivalent for) and I had another pizza this week. Also because I've been a) out and about and b) extremely crabby this week I've been having lots of milky coffees (milky coffees to me are what cigarettes are to smokers). Unfortunately living in a shitty backwater like I do the coffee shops we have aren't overly familiar with "fancy" options like decaf and skinny, but from what I saw it was semi skimmed so the damage is limited. I've only made it to the gym once but it was a great workout and holy moly I have been doing some amount of walking whens shopping (and walking in snow, which I always think is a great thigh and bum work out!) so I'm hoping that will pay off.

I don't weigh in now til 8th January now, and that's quite a scary thought. Will I go off the rails and think I have loads of time to pull it back? Who knows, but I will try my best not to. I've made sure to stock up on loads of low fat stuff for when I'm off work (this week and some of next) and I don't have anything huge coming up - drinks and dinner tonight, but it's soup and roast chicken (no skin!) for dinner and yeah there will be alcohol but hey, that's easy to burn off, right? Hahaha. Then the day itself where I'm sorry but I don't think any of us should watch what we eat. It's one day - if you want to make healthier versions of stuff, then great, but I am going to my fiance's Mum's house who will be making a delicious turkey with all the trimmings and I plan on enjoying it with NO GUILT!

Again, I am definitely not down with the ProPoints and I really, really feel like I need to get into it or I'm going to lose it altogether. Again, I plan to do it starting 1st January (when else is better for a fresh start!). I think I will do a New Year Resolutions post next week, and I also plan on doing 'A Beginners Guide to the Gym' post as well.

One thing I would like to say, is being not very computer savvy, I didn't notice anyone had commented on my posts (I thought you got an email, like on Facebook or Twitter, d'oh!) so I'd just like to thank everyone for their comments and say I will definitely be checking for comments from now on!

I doubt I'll be posting before Christmas (although I might, you never know!) so I will say I hope everyone has a lovely (and guilt free!) Christmas and if you don't celebrate Christmas then I hope you have an awesome time if you have some time off work!

xoxo

Friday night thoughts III

Well I didn't go to weigh in last week. Officially I slept in, but unofficially I think it was my subconscious just telling me not to go. I set my alarm and woke up and lay in bed for a few minutes, planning to get up and go but the thought of it was awful - I didn't know where my weigh in card was (the new one I got after losing my last one, which if I am honest, I loved - it had everything I'd achieved on there, and it's gone and I don't know where it is) and we'd had bucketloads of snow overnight. I turned round to set the snooze on my alarm, but I don't know if I set it and slept through it or if I just didn't set it properly. Either way, I woke up 45 minutes after my class started so there was no point in even trying to get there.

I thought I would feel guilty. Never before have I toyed with the idea of not going - even when I've known I was going to have a gain. I feel that it's just as, if not, more important to go when you're doing badly as it is when you're doing well. But I didn't feel guilty. Initially, I felt relieved. It felt good to have had a lie in and I went about the rest of the day as normal. I wasn't hung up on it at all, but as I look back over the week it's set the tone for being lazy and missing stuff "accidently on purpose" the whole week.

I've not tracked at all this week, and have pretty much just eaten what I've wanted. I've not gone wild but I've not been conservative either. I've had SO much chocolate, which isn't something that would normally interest me much and I've drank most of the week as well. Because the weather has been so crap, I've literally felt like I needed food to "stick to my bones" (ridic, it's hardly like I'm wasting away!) and I've eaten burgers, chips, pasta, toast, cheese. I've filled myself up on milky coffees with sugar, and if I'm honest I've loved every minute of it.

I am SO pissed off with myself. When I started Weight Watchers I took to it so easily and got on really well with it. I never felt denied anything, I never felt hungry, I never felt like I was on a diet. I couldn't believe how easy I found it. I'd read people on the WW website and hear people talking about how they'd fallen off the wagon, or were struggling with it and I couldn't understand it at all. Why were they having this problem? If a big fatty like me who munched continually couldn manage it why couldn't they? I wasn't being judgmental but it scared me that people could be doing it for so long, having amazing results and still fall off the wagon. I waneted to understand WHY it happened to people, and now I'm here living it, and I don't understand it myself.

I'm going to go to weigh in tomorrow (hah, without my weigh in card! The embarrasment!) and just take whatever it has to throw at me. And I'll be honest, I'm scared. Not worried, not nervous - SCARED. I'm scared that this is it, I'm scared I'm going back to my own ways. I'm scared of a gain in case I feel upset, but I'm scared of a loss in case I think I can get away with this sort of shit. I'll just need to take it as it comes.

My plan is once I've been to WI, that I will come out with a renewed focus. I will track, I will follow the ProPoints plan (I've not even really attempted it yet) and I NEED to get back to the gym. I haven't been in over two weeks as I was doing some intense study and then this fucking weather started! The weather is forecast to keep up so even if I can't get to the gym, I need to exercise in the house. I can't let this beat me. I need to get back to where I was before and I need to tell myself I CAN DO THIS.

Weigh In Results

I got a pleasant surprise when I got on the scales yesterday - 1.5lbs off. Very surprising, but very happy with it. Hope I can keep this up. I've decided to try and do the ProPoints thing this week - it's the only real week I'm going to not have any plans before Christmas so this will let me see if it works and if not I can go back to the Discover plan next week.

Currently, we have lots of snow. It's very early in the year for snow where I am and it may mess up my exercise plans this week. The gym I go to is at the top of a super steep hill and I worry about walking down it in the bad weather so I don't know if I'll get up. If not I will need to try and kick my ass into exercising at home. I'm terrible at this - I have lots of fitness videos and equipment but no motivation to do anything when I'm at home. Could be time to look out the batteries and dust off the old Wii Fit! Espesh as our Christmas Party is soon and I am having serious dilemmas but about my dress. I have a skin condition which has flared up and my dress doesn't hide it (a skin condition which, by the way, was meant to get better as I lost weight, but has actually gotten worse) and I have old woman flabby arms going on too. Bingo wings ahoy!

I also noticed I've totally forgotten to take my measurements so will need to do that soon although don't think there's been much change. None of my clothes feel any bigger and I measured myself for a new bra the other day and I'm the same size there. That's the most frustrating thing for me. It's great to see your weight go down every week but without the inches coming off too it feels a bit like it's not really happening if you know what I mean. I have not been my usual conscientious little gym bunny recently though so that doesn't help. I need to get my mojo back!

Friday night thoughts II

So, WW hasn't been going at all well just now. I'm feeling really negative and can't shake it. I've been okay this week, but not great. Stuck to my normal meals but I've had to the odd extra thing here and there, and haven't tracked at all. The good news is I've been to the gym twice. The bad news is I planned to go three times.

I've no idea what will happen tomorrow. I've kinda done Discover plan, kinda done ProPoints, kinda not bothered, so really the scales could say anything. I've also lost my Weigh In card. No fricking idea where it is.

The final straw is I just looked out of the window and there's a good covering of snow over everything (I hate snow) and that scuppers my plans to wear my leggings (eg lightest trousers, and what I wore last week) to get weighed as I've no "snow friendly" boots I can wear with them. Oh le sigh. Hopefully I'll feel more positive next week. I've no idea whats happened but I've completely lost my mojo.

Sad face :(

Okay, so it's only Monday teatime and I'm already pissed off with ProPoints. Bearing in mind I don't point on a Saturday that means 1.5 days of the plan and I'm already pissed off with it.

Seriously, I AM HUNGRY. I was never hungry on the Discover plan. I am so far finding it a nightmare to follow. Yesterday I used 8pp of my weekly allowance, and I wouldn't say I ate any more than I do on a normal Sunday (I generally don't eat much on a Sunday between getting up late and then being really busy) and I was still hungry when I went to bed.

Today I had 2 cereal bars, 2 coffees, a small lentil soup and a white roll with crisps and I only have 8pp left for dinner. And let's face it, 8pp gets you sweet FA.

I'm going to try it for the rest of the week to see how I get on, but I can seriously see me going back to the Discover plan.

:(

Ch-ch-ch-chaaanges

So when I went along to my meeting on Saturday, I got my fancy schmancy new ProPoints book. According to the Leader "everything" we need to know would be in the book and she even brought in a days worth of her food (it was gross, it had been sitting all week!) to show just how much you can eat in a day. I planned to sit down and go through all the stuff on Saturday so that when I went shopping on Sunday I could have pre-planned all my meals so that I knew where I was at. I had a terrible week last week and I am blaming it on how I was stupidly feeling about the new plan. Scared it wouldn't work so sabotaging myself. Anyway, it didn't quite work out like that.

I did have a quick read of the stuff on Saturday. None of the science behind it, but the general info about foodstuffs and what the points allowances were. You basically now are allocated a daily and a weekly points allowance. My daily allowance is 29 and my weekly is 49 (everyone's weekly allowance is the same). You can no longer "save" points for treats etc, that's what your weekly allowance is for. The points value of all foods have changed - mostly increased. Fruit is now zero points, but other things, such as baked potatoes have leaped (10-14 points without filling I've heard - glad I don't bother with them!). I also know one of my staples (and yes this is probably why now they're trying to promote healthy eating) Weight Watchers oven chips have leapt from 4pts for 240g to 12pts!

First of all, I am on the minimum daily allowance of 29. Now, being that I haven't read the "science" behind it, it may well be explained in there, but my first impression is "I have at least three stone still to lose, possibly five, so how can I possibly be on the lowest points allowance?". Straight off the bat - without having to read any "science" - on the old plan I could see that as I lost weight, my points allowance reduced therefore allowing me to continue to lose weight at a healthy rate. I cannot see how I can have the same points allowance as some 8 stone chick looking to lose a bit of weight for Christmas / Wedding / Holidays. BUT like I say, I've not read the whole science shit so it might well be explained in there.


Secondly all over the website people are complaining about not being able to eat their 29 points a day. I don't think I'm going to have that issue. Today I had toast and coffee for breakfast, soup and a roll for lunch, a packet of crisps and a coffee for a snack and a small tin of Mac cheese with toast for dinner and I'm over points already. On the Discover plan I can guarantee I'd have had points left over on that.

Thirdly there doesn't seem to be much hard and fast information available - apparently food stuffs are still wrong on the tracker and on the website some people are saying you should be eating all of your daily points, and whatever you want of your weekly, some people are saying you should eat most of your daily points and some of your weekly and others are saying you should eat all of your daily points and all of your weekly! WTF Weight Watchers, get some frickin' FAQs up on your site!

Like I say, I planned to plan out my meals for the week and stick to them as best I could however on Sunday I was ill so I didn't get to the supermarket and had to rely on my fiance to get my food in. My head was all over the place so I just told him to get some of my old Discover Plan staples so I'm just having to muddle through as best I can.

Overall my first impressions of the plan aren't favourable, but I really want to like it. I like that they're trying to encourage you to choose foods that are good for you rather than foods that are convenient / low points, however I do think they will lose people in their droves. It's much harder now to pick up something in the supermarket and know whether its going to be something you'd want to include in your diet - on the Discover plan you knew if something was high in calories and/or high in sat fats it would also be high in points. Hell, sometimes from experience you could guess the points! There ain't no chance of that with their carb/fibre/fat/protein combo!

I don't think this week will go particularly well for me, due to the lack of planning but I'm not going to give up on it right away. I will give it a week or two, although I was really hoping to be in the 10s by 1st January although that looks hugely unlikely now.

In the Elevens

image via wikimedia.org

So this weeks post is all about numbers 1, 7 and 11. 1 because I lost 1lb this week, which gained me my 5th 'Silver 7' and it has taken me into the 11 stone bracket (albeit the high end - 11 stone 13.5lbs, but it's still the elevens!).

I've not really been struggling much with WW recently but I've not exactly been setting the world on fire with it either. I've just been plodding along but being in the elevens now has given me such an uplift. I honestly can't remember the last time I weighed 11 stone anything, and being that I started out at 14st 6.5lbs it just feels like a huge achievement for me. I can also now see the end in sight. I haven't decided on a goal weight yet, but all of a sudden whatever that goal weight is just seems so much more achievable. I think it's probably time to give some serious consideration to my goal weight so I might mention it at next week's meeting.

I also want to now try and change the way I eat. Since starting WW I still eat the same processed crap I've always eaten, just less of it, or low fat versions (which usually mean high salt versions). I now want to try and eat more unprocessed food and drastically up the amount of fruit and veg I eat (I can shamefully say there are days go by when I eat no fruit or veg, or maybe only manage a small portion). I'll be honest and say this is down to laziness. It's easier for me to just stick something in the oven, or eat a packet of crisps rather than peel an orange. Tomorrow before I go food shopping I'm going to plan out my food for the week and try and eat as fresh food as possible.

I'm back at the gym and only made it up twice this week (dramarama on Friday prevented me from going, but I'm definitely going to try and get up at least 3 times this week as I'm off work for a couple of days so no excuse!). I'm going to blog a bit about how I got into exercising and why I enjoy it.

In other news, it's official - Weight Watchers are launching a new plan in the UK on 7th November. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I'm not closed to the idea, but I like counting points, I like knowing how this system works and I can see the results so I feel like it will take a lot of convincing to make me want to switch to something else! I will see how it is but plan to buy a points calculator on eBay so that I can continue to use the Discover Plan if I don't like the new one. My guess it might be more like the US plan, which is fine with me as I think it's actually healthier and it also means I can use all the US recipes - yay!

Finally, the Christmas party dress season is upon us. I need two dresses this year and a more casual outfit so I need bargains since as usual I am skint! We'll see how I get on now that dropping a dress size has opened a few more shops to me.

xo
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EDIT: I also realised just after posting this I've done my 15% loss now too (15% of my original starting weight) - it totally passed me by!

Wait...whaaaa?

So I went to weigh in this morning and told the Leader that I thought I would be a gain as I'd had a terrible week. I'd heard her give someone up the line a bit of a telling off for putting on and I wasn't in the mood, so I thought I'd preempt it and tell her upfront that I'd been off plan but was back on the right page now and she was fine...then I stepped on the scales and had dropped 2lbs. 2lbs! WTF?!?! i have NO idea how that happened, but I'll take it! I just have to be careful that it doesn't catch up with me this week. Phew!

24 ta life....

I've been on WW now for 24 weeks and I can easily say this is the worst week I've had "on plan". The reason I'm putting "on plan" in speech marks is because I can't actually say I've been on plan this week. In fact, I have most definitely been off plan this week and kidding myself that I have been anything else.

I don't know what the problem has been this week. Saturdays, I always have a points free day. I eat what I like and I don't worry about it. Especially now as I've found that what I eat has drastically reduced in size from what I ate before. But I think it all kicked off this Saturday.

I went out for lunch as normal, and left most of my lunch because I was just so full. I can't remember what I ate for dinner, but I drank that night and had some "munchies" a;ong with it.

Sunday I was lying in bed thinking "I could really go something tasty and stodgy for breakfast...toast with loads of butter, roll on sausage...all washed down with a delicious capuccinno" and just then my friend texted me to see if I wanted to go out for lunch (yes, I was still in bed at lunchtime). I wasn't going to go, but the lure of the capuccinno was too much so I quickly jumped out of bed, showered and got ready to go out. I knew where we were going and my pre-WW usual there was a massive cheese toastie with vegetable soup. I'll just get the vegetable soup I told myself. Vegetable soup and a capuccinno. Or toast and a capuccinno. But when I got there I ordered my old faithful - the huge cheese toastie, with the soup. And when they brought the soup they brough an additional extra that I never used to get - crusty bread with real butter. I wasn't going to eat it. But I did.

I went the rest of Sunday not having much, but then decided to have a drink at night. I can't remember (not coz I was drunk but coz I wasn't counting points) if I had anything to munch with it.

From there on in the week has just spiralled - chocolate biscuits, rolls on sausage, full fat crisps, burgers, cheese. It's all just gone wrong. I can't believe I've let myself do this. I don't know why I did it. And it's pissing me off that I did do it!

I'm sure this week of overindulgence will lead to a gain on the scales tomorrow, and I have no one to blame but myself. I just hope its not too much, but as I sit here with two (yes, TWO) burgers and a lemon sweetie bar in my belly, I'm not holding out much hope.

We'll see how I get on in ten hours.

Thoughts on looks and self image...

Most people I know or read about want to lose weight to help with their looks. Sure some of them will want to do it for health reasons but 9 out of 10 times (in my experience) it's to look good/fit into nice clothes/be sexy/get a partner. It's superficial but it's true. I've never considered myself to be superficial, but I am.

One of the reasons I went so long without trying to lose weight is because I felt like it didn't matter how much weight I'd lose, I'd still look like me. And I'm ugly.

The feeling that I am ugly has plagued me my whole life. I've never been popular, I've never really "got on" in life and in the back of my mind I've always felt like it was because I wasn't pretty/attractive/sexy. Note: I know this (probably) isn't true, it's probably to do with my lack of confidence than anything else, but I still feel that way in the back of my mind and I just can't shake it and don't know it I ever will.

As a little girl I never felt as pretty as the other girls in the class. I can't remember anyone ever telling me I looked pretty or cute (even in my family). I think the best I may have got was "nice" and it wasn't usually me they used the term about, it was "that's a nice dress" or "your hair looks nicer that way". It was never "you look really nice today".

When I got to high school I felt even worse. I was slim in both primary and high school but in high school but I was ugly, and people told me. Ugly hair, ugly freckles, ugly clothes. Then when I tried to fit in I just got laughed at for wanting to be accepted.

I left high school as soon as I could and went into full time working, but it was basically the same. Always the loner, always on the outside. Always the "weirdo" as my friends so lovingly referred to me ("Gasp! You like heavy metal - YOU WEIRDO! Gasp! You like reading - YOU WEIRDO! Gasp! You don't like boybands - YOU WEIRDO! Gasp! You're interested in politics - YOU WEIRDO!". I didn't even mind the weirdo tag so much back then but now it irritates me when I think about it.

My whole career I've felt like because I look ugly/weird I not got on as well as I could've. I don't 'look' like the person you'd give that job to. The problem is that's when the bitch in me comes out. I'll see people who I consider unattractive in a great job and think "how did he/she get that job?" - nothing to do with their experience or qualifications. It's their looks.

When I go to the gym, the instructors are all chatty chatty with the other people and they're just "professional friendly" with me. In my head, it's coz they're thinking "why the hell is this fat ugly chick even bothering?!" but in reality it's because other people are friendly and chatty back whereas I'm cold and guarded.

I know in reality it's ridiculous. But I still have these hang ups. And I want to get over them, but I don't know how.

I'm 31 years old and I pour over the Blogger and Flickr every day, saving pictures of people I want to look like, want to dress like, want to be shaped like. I'm thirty-fuckin'-one years old and I still aspire to be like other people! By this point in my life I should be ME! I should know who I am, know my style, be confident but I'm not. I'm still that little girl who feels ugly compared to all her classmates.

This post has been really hard for me to write. I hear people who say out loud "I'm ugly, I look awful" and all I can think is "STFU you attention seeker! If you really, REALLY felt that way you could never vocalise it. You could never tell other people. Because it hurts. It hurts and the reactions of people just make you feel worse". Regardless of whether people would seem genuinely shocked you feel that way or whether they would sort of stutter and give you a compliment, it would never make me feel better to tell someone. And I never have. And the only reason I can do it here is because it doesn't feel like anyone is reading/listening. And I don't know if anyone is. And if anyone is, I'm not looking for reassurance. You can't give me any reassurance.

The reason I am writing this post is because right now I feel VERY ugly. Its effecting almost everything I do just now. My hair is thin and hangs in bits. When I pull it back theres balding areas. My skin looks horrid, its either too shiny or too matte. It always looks dirty from my freckles. I try to take care of myself - put make up on, paint my nails, but I always feel I look like a kiddy who's been playing in Mama's make up box. In summary - I feel shit right now. Which is why I react so hard when people assume I feel awesome because of my weight loss. I don't feel awesome. I feel ugly. Uglier in fact, just slimmer. And feeling like this makes me feel ugly on the inside too, because I know I've got it easy. I know some people have been in accidents or born with disabilities or whatever and that makes their life way harder than mine. And that makes me feel bad. I just want to get past this and get on with my life.

And on the flipside...

...of my post from earlier today, I met a friend who I speak with regularly but don't see often, and she was amazed at the change in me since she'd seen me last. She was genuinely happy for me, and complimentary. We went shopping together and everything I tried on in an 18 fitted and a 20 literally hung off me. I couldn't believe it!

I had such a nice morning and I'm feeling very happy now.

I've also decided to start taking my measurements every Saturday morning before I weigh in. My waist is an absolutely ridiculous size so when I get my gym program redone next week I am going to concentrate on my core. I'll probably add a ticker for my waist measurement but I'm guessing it will be a lot slower moving than my weight one.

Oh, and I dropped a pound, which I am SUPER pleased with as I thought I would actually put on this week with all my bad eating shenanigans (including a 3 course meal last night).

Don't be a Fakey McFakerson...

If you have found out that someone is following a weight loss plan, or attempting to lose weight some other (healthy) way (eg through exercise) and you genuinely can't see if they have lost weight, don't tell them that they've lost lots of weight / look amazing / are super skinny, blah blah blah.

I know you may be doing it for "noble" reasons (like you want to encourage this person, recognise their efforts or make them feel good) or you may be doing it for, what I consider, not so "noble" reasons (like you want them to think you have noticed and you want them to think you're great for noticing).

People aren't stupid. They can tell if you genuinely can tell if they've lost weight and by giving a fake "OMG! Like wow, you look great! You can totally see you've lost loads!" it does not make them feel better. In fact, it can have the opposite effect.

So if you think you're being nice/helpful/encouraging when doing this, my advice would be don't - when you can genuinely see a difference and tell the person it will mean so much more to them than a forced compliment ahead of time.

Eeek!

I am about to venture outside for leggings in the first time in about...oh maybe 23 years. I am feeling pretty self conscious but I am going to push myself to wear something fashionable. Eeek!